When Obedience Doesn't Lead to Ease

We've been flying high these last six weeks.  While there have certainly been moments of meltdowns, feeling overwhelmed, frustrations and confusion, I can honestly say the Lord has never been more near.

Friends have poured out their love - bringing meals, offering to watch the boys, sending me encouraging texts, praying for me and over me.

I hit a wall this last week.  The exhaustion set in.  The routine set in.  The reality set in.

I came to a place where I started doubting.  Doubting that this was from the Lord.  Doubting that this is what we should be doing.  Doubting that I could even do this for as long as the Lord has us walk in it.

Blessedly, because of events a few months ago, a beautiful woman was placed before me.
I met with her on Monday, bringing all my insecurities, all my tears, all my frustrations.

After sitting and listening to me, she took me to 2 Corinthians and began to read some of Paul's writings.

It was a reminder that I had lost my focus. 
That I had been fooled into thinking our obedience to the Lord would mean this would be easy.

Not so.  If you ever wonder about submission to Jesus making your life being a bed of roses, read any of Paul's writings.

This past week as everything hit the fan and the boys started the long awaited "acting out", I melted under what I couldn't handle.

Saturday morning found the tears that had hovered all week finally spilling over as I pleaded, pleaded with them to please work with me and not against me.  I reminded them that we were a team and that all this strife and malice and disobedience was not from the Lord and it wouldn't gain us anything.

Sunday night, putting the boys to bed, I was absolutely overwhelmed at my weariness.  I had nothing to offer them, no words inside me to pray.  I felt empty and utterly alone in the dark and quiet.

Mired in panic attacks that would not stop, I started focusing on what lay before me.
I couldn't bear to think of the days and weeks and months that still lay ahead.

Truth, at its best, gives you encouragement.
Truth, at its worst, gives you hope.

So here was Paul... Writing of his floggings, beatings, persecutions, imprisonments.  Telling of his shipwrecks, his loss of friends, his physical pain...

Yet, yet... his treasure in his jar of clay was so much more than what was right in front of him.

Here was a man that  loved God deeply, was indeed obedient to the Lord's will, yet the enemy relentlessly pounded him and it was not easy.
Did that mean his faith was not enough or that his trust was in something faulty?

Not at all.  Just the opposite.

The Lord knew Paul's strength because He was supplying it.  He would uphold Paul with His righteous right hand.  He would pick Paul up when he stumbled and fell.  He would breathe life into Paul's weary heart.

I know, I know how much easier it would be if my kids obeyed me the first time, right away.  I work on that, day in and day out for much more than me looking like super-mom (and trust me, I get sucked into that way too easily).  I want them to know what it looks like to jump in with both feet into a fiery furnace if that is what the Lord calls them to. 

As difficult as this is, I submit every dream and want before the Lord and pour into my boys each and every day.  Right now, I trust God's glory to be known whether I have a good week or an awful week.

I will walk the path he has laid out for me, in faith, knowing His goodness will not fail me and that my treasure is far beyond what I see now.  Even when this path is not simple.

Bedtime Reminders

Bedtime is getting increasingly more frustrating.

Some nights it can be enjoyable; some nights I'm sitting there wondering "how long until they're asleep?"

Always, though, it's tinged with a joyful sorrow.

Joy because it's...
Bedtime.
Stillness.
Quietness.
Peace.

Sorrow because of what isn't there.  Because of what is tangibly missing.
Because waking up in the morning means nothing has changed.

Bedtime was Jake's time with the boys.

We would all read together and then I would get to leave to have him at do the actual "to-bed" madness.

Now though?  It's me, it's them and it's tears.

Heartbreakingly, the two year old cries himself to sleep by calling, "Daddy, my daddy."

Over and over and over.

The older ones, in their sleep induced vulnerability ask, "Why?"

Why does he have to be gone?
Why can't he come home?

It's become a sweet time of sweet reminders.

I am not alone in this.
I can cry out to my Heavenly Father because some days, most days... the patience and compassion wears thin.

I ask him to pour out his mercy and grace on me so I might overflow it to my boys.

Jake leaving has left a big hole in all our hearts.  If ever there was a man that shows the love of Christ tangibly, it's him.
So for the boys not to have that physical touch, that presence... leaves them empty.

While it can be trying to hear the sadness and confusion, I'm also extremely grateful they miss their daddy so much.
I'm begging the Lord to knit our hearts closer than ever before even though we're farther than ever before.

And, it's possible.  With God, everything and anything is and I have no doubt that this year will be the best thing that has ever happened to us.

But...
If I let them grieve and soak in sadness without ever giving them hope, I've failed.
If I have set them up in life to where Jake is enough for them or I'm enough for them, I've robbed them of the single greatest joy any life can have.

So while we cry daily and I tell them it's ok to be upset and sad and even angry, I point them to Jesus.

If they have an earthly daddy who loves them this much, how much more does their perfectly good Father adore them and delight in them?  I want them to be firmly rooted in the one who never leaves us or forsakes us.

I want them to know that through this trial, we have joy because we have Jesus! No matter the outcome, we all ready have the best thing possible.

And that is something to take joy in no matter the pain that comes.

Little Lessons

I have this scrap of paper that hangs on my refrigerator.  No matter how many times I clean and organize, it stays with me. 

Ordinarily orange, in the shape of a triangle, it bears one word.  Rejoice.

Obviously handmade.
Obviously the work of a young child.

More than a treasured, "Mom, look what I made you" piece of artwork, it's a reminder that the Lord uses my children to minister to me, to teach me, to encourage me.

And to remind me that everything comes full circle.

We had had a difficult week with difficult news.  As we walked the boys through the difficulty, we reminded them of a verse we had learned.  "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances."

I found myself severely lacking what I had taught them.  Colten became enamored of the word rejoice, writing it on every surface available.

One day, in the midst of typical hurriedness and frustration and meltdowns, I wasn't responding well to anything.  He kept trying to slip a piece of paper in my hands and without looking, I would tell him, "Thanks, can you please go do what I asked you to do?"

Over and over, he would place it in my hand, no matter that I was running to and fro trying to get us ready.

I finally received it, but not very graciously.  Never once cutting my eyes to it, I simply pushed it to the side of the counter and went on doing whatever was so extremely important I can't recall.

Hours later, after being home, exhausted and worn out, he brought me the paper.

I finally looked at it and saw what was so important to him.

He was reminding me what I had been teaching him.  To rejoice always, no matter if it's a simple day or a day filled with aggravation.

My freckle faced babe had known what I needed most and lovingly petitioned me to take notice.

So my hand-cut, painstakingly colored triangle stays...For both of us to remind ourselves that rejoicing is what gives us joy, in all circumstances.

Warring Within

This is a lengthy one.  This is one where I untangle the thoughts and struggles my heart has been churning out and I'm just now realizing.

This is the one where I tell you I have been dead in my coveting and jealousy and selfish ambitions.

This is the one where I'm hoping the confession will lead to a breakthrough.

This is the one where I tell you what I'm teaching my oh-so-struggling six year old and, through teaching him, the Lord is teaching me.

James 4:1-8

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?  Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?  You desire and do not have, so you murder.  You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.  You do not have, because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.  You adulterous people!  Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?  Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.  Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"?  But he gives more grace.  Therefore it says "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."  Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

I've watched my six year old battle some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks.  It finally came to a head today, when, in two separate instances, he physically hurt people because he had selfish desires that weren't being met.

I've been battling some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks as the selfish desires I've had have gone unmet.  It results in me withdrawing and not communicating.

I keep getting my worship wrong.  I keep falling into the trap of thinking if all these things would just happen, if all these things would fall into place, then I would have more of the LORD.

And He mercifully reminds me that first I must seek His kingdom.  Seeking my own leads to destruction.  As I very well know and have all ready walked in.

I call it spiritual amnesia.  How quickly I am to forget the goodness He has all ready done.  How quickly I am to forget His delight in me.  How quickly I am to forget that He has all ready shown His ultimate act of love in the death of His Son, Jesus Christ.

I told my blue-eyed boy we were both struggling, at the core of it, with the same thing - self-love and worship gone backwards which is not worship at all - but it was just manifesting itself differently in each of us.

The Lord led me, through Paul David Tripp's oh-so-convicting book, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, to bow in a time of prayer yesterday and give thanks for this season.  Heart open and humbled, grateful that I have a Father who loves me enough to say no.  A Father that loves me enough to not give me over to the lusts of my heart.  A Father who loves me enough to not let me wander too far, just enough to see that the grass I thought was so green on the other side is only carefully tended weeds and thorns.

So how do I rewire my heart?  By his grace, because it is unending and bountiful.  I look to Him, confess to Him, repent, and give thanks in all circumstances.

I turn my worship to Him through learning, meditation and song.  Over and over, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I lift my voice to Him knowing He is faithful to finish this work He started in me. 

As I go though the rest of this day, teaching and rebuking my son, I'll take the words I give to him and hide them deep in my heart.  Because we are not so different, him and I.  Both sinners.  Both in desperate need of heart change, not circumstance change.  Both with hope so very near.

"If a certain set of desires rules my heart, I will not want God to be a wise, loving, sovereign Father who gives me what he knows is best.  Instead, I will want a divine waiter who delivers what I have set my heart on...He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts.  He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings.  He fights for us, for the thoughts and desires of our hearts... Thank him for that!"

- Paul David Tripp

Simple

I have stoic 3 year old.

He's silent, brooding, not exciteable. 

The other night he got hurt. Tumbling around outside with the brothers as I finished up dinner, I heard him start to wail. 

No sooner had I put down the dish towel when he comes limping in.  Tears streaming, jaw set, bewildered look.

I sank to my knees and gathered him in my arms.  Kissed his damp cheeks over and over, whispering I was sorry he was hurt. 

He pulls away and heads back outside.

I call after him, "Are you ok?"  "Do you want the ice-pack?"

He shakes his head no.

I sit there, a bit confused.  Had he not just been screaming like a leg was broken two minutes before?  Had he not had enough tears to fill an ocean?

A kiss and a hug were all that was needed to fix it.

All he wanted was mom.  To know that I cared.  To know that I would stop what I was doing and take on whatever had caused his pain.

I love those moments where "mom" is enough.  I'm not a superhero, but darn if my kids don't sometimes make me feel like one.

Battling the "Overprotection"

Raising my boys in this culture of over-exposure and over-indulgence has me, hourly, praying through what is healthy and wise.

Too often, from believer and non-believers, homeschoolers and other schoolers, friends and aquaintances, I get the questions, "Aren't you just sheltering your kids?"

Truth be told, this question wears on me.  It's not asked with well-meaning intention.  It's asked with sharpness, trying to pinpoint exactly what I believe and waiting for the condemnation that because they don't do what I do, I don't want to be around them... And nothing could be further from the truth.

It wears on me because it makes me ponder my motivations. It makes me search my heart for the "why's" of anything I do pertaining to my kids.

Reading some articles this week and talking with others lead me to feel uncertain.  As always, the Lord is good and remains faithful even in my faithlessness.  A prayer I wrote down a year ago assured me of why I do what I do.

Psalm 119:9  How can a young man keep his way pure?  By guarding it according to your word.

This is why I do what I do.  I'm training them to keep their heart pure.
Of course, this means there might be certain things we don't watch or read or listen to...but it always is with a full explanation of why.

And the why is this:  We want to keep our mind stayed on Him, we want to do those things that stir our affections for Christ, we want to give them a firm foundation of truth to stand on so when the things of this world come  rushing at them, they know what to do and where to look.

So yes, in tightly controlled conversations, we've discussed sex, including homosexuality, adultery, and transgender.

Yes, we talk about other religions and their beliefs. 

And yes, they are definitely enlightened to the evils of this world, far deeper than a brother stealing a toy.  So 9/11 has been discussed as well as the recent Aurora, CO shooting.

We've grieved over the loss of Brody, Luke and Gideon.  They've seen me cry over my cancer-stricken daddy.  They've seen me and Jake say we don't know why but in the midst of despair claim God is good and He does good (Psalm 119:68).  They've seen us voice our unbelief (Mark 9) and they know they can do the same.

All four have had chances to the see (through video, picture, and missionaries) the sweet kids at Fundanino's in Guate and Naomi's Village in Kenya.  They've taken in the horror stories of why some of those children even have to be in the orphanage.

We have made it no secret the price of the war America is in and they hold soldiers in high regard and thank them for their service when we come across one.

In everything, we point them to Jesus.  We tell them of God's word and what it says about the brokenness of our world and the beautiful redemption we have now and not yet.

If this is sheltering, I'll continue to do it.  I'll do it whether they are home with me or in a different school the majority of the day.  Above all, my biggest "why" is being held accountable for the way I raised up these four very impressionable young minds. 

If I'm not teaching them, I've left it up to the world.
And the question is: Am I doing what it takes to get by for right this moment or do I have long-term (eternity) goals we steadfastly march towards.

Psalm 119:10-11  With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!  I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

And so continually, seeking His will, asking for direction and revelation when I've gone astray -- it pushes me to the Lord, and over and over I fall into His grace and mercy.  He loves my boys far more than I ever will and is a mightier protector than I could ever hope to be.

Discipline...

The subject always comes up.  How?  When?  What?

When your kid is being a terror.  When he just won't do what you want him to.  When it's the battle of the wills and you seem to be on the losing end.

More often times than not, I find myself wanting out.  I don't want to have to take time out to explain, to teach, to undo what has been done.  When I walk in my flesh, I get angry and I discipline for everybody else except for the one it's truly for.

As the Lord grows me, I've asked that in everything I do, I point my kids to Jesus.  And by His great help, I'm learning.

Just as much as their unregenerate hearts need it, so my weary and thirsty heart desperately, constantly needs the gospel.

So yesterday, in Colten being overcome and telling me he just couldn't do it, that he knows he sins, he sins every day of his life, I got a beautiful opportunity to share the good news.  That yes! We are sinners.  Yes! We sin every day.  But in Christ, there is no condemnation!  When we have received salvation and believed in Jesus's name, God doesn't look on us with disgust and impatience.  He's not sitting high above us with his arms crossed asking, "When are you ever going to get this?"

Instead, He is next to us, saying, "I know and I love you anyways.  You are my beloved son."

So when I read the parenting how-to books and feel the weight of not measuring up start to burden me down, I have to realize that my way is not the only way and the person who wrote the fabulous book has great ideas but I don't have to conform to what they do.  The only thing I need to be concerned with is teaching my boys to love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind and strength and I do this as we walk, lay, rise, and sit.

Sometimes, I totally botch it.  I get impatient, lazy and angry.  But even in that, I get to remind them (and myself!) that I am nothing like God.  He is infintely more merciful, patient, gracious and loving and that he forgives, over and over.  That we will all fall short and most days finding me falling over and over again. 

Yet, because of His mercy, by confession and repentence, they see His grace covers even ugly un-graceful moments.  And I am reminded that it's not what I do or don't do, it's by what Jesus has all ready done.

Galatians 2:21 And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God for if righteousness were through the Law, then Christ died for no purpose.

Making it a Teachable Moment

It happened again yesterday.  A conversation between a mom and her 3 year old that left my heart on the floor, my jaw almost there and my blood pressure through the roof.
He came running up to her, upset that he had been shoved.  Like any mom, she grasps his shoulders, looks him over and pronounces that he is fine.  Following the once-over, she tells him "Next time, tell them, 'That's not nice, God doesn't like it when you push.'"
I'm screaming on the inside for her to go deeper than this.  To not condense God into a box of don't do this or that for the simple reason of Him not "liking" those things.  Because what if it was her kid that had done the shoving?  Will he feel condemned, that he can't measure up, that God doesn't like him because of the action?

No wonder we have so many people, especially young ones, throwing up their hands, realizing the church has impossible standards to meet.  They're constantly met with long lists of don't do this, don't do that, you should have done this not that, especially don't do that... On and on and on until you're so burdened down and exasperated you find it easier to live up to the world's standards (and has anybody realized how ridiculous those are - we're all chasing the "perfect" body with no one having a clue what that actually looks like).

The ugly truth?  That we're not nice, we're not good, we absolutely cannot please a Holy and Perfect God.

We are, by nature, children of wrath.  That knowledge of the law only brings about knowledge of our transgressions, our iniquities, our lawlessness, our sinfulness.  There is no hope from our human stand point to enter into His rest.

But God, in His mercy, in His love, in His foreknowledge, made a way to make us good and lovely and right and pure.
The beautiful truth is, it's not dependent on us.  It's dependent on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross.
So when we get so wrapped up in our legalistic, "thank you God that I'm not like that," it's time to take a step back and look at what was achieved on the cross: that when we have received salvation and believed in Jesus's name, we have been stripped of our filthy, moth-eaten, dirt-caked rags and in exchange been given a gloriously beautiful robe of righteousness.

Meditate on that.

That means, when my kids fail, when I fail, I take the opportunity to point us to the character and nature of God. A God that delights in us, cherishes us, forgives us (past, present and future) and helps us.
That time after time, we will fall short of the glory of God, but in Jesus Christ, we stand perfected for all time.

Isaiah 43:4 & 10, Isaiah 44:22

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you... (You are) my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.
I have blotted our your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.