Bedtime Reminders

Bedtime is getting increasingly more frustrating.

Some nights it can be enjoyable; some nights I'm sitting there wondering "how long until they're asleep?"

Always, though, it's tinged with a joyful sorrow.

Joy because it's...
Bedtime.
Stillness.
Quietness.
Peace.

Sorrow because of what isn't there.  Because of what is tangibly missing.
Because waking up in the morning means nothing has changed.

Bedtime was Jake's time with the boys.

We would all read together and then I would get to leave to have him at do the actual "to-bed" madness.

Now though?  It's me, it's them and it's tears.

Heartbreakingly, the two year old cries himself to sleep by calling, "Daddy, my daddy."

Over and over and over.

The older ones, in their sleep induced vulnerability ask, "Why?"

Why does he have to be gone?
Why can't he come home?

It's become a sweet time of sweet reminders.

I am not alone in this.
I can cry out to my Heavenly Father because some days, most days... the patience and compassion wears thin.

I ask him to pour out his mercy and grace on me so I might overflow it to my boys.

Jake leaving has left a big hole in all our hearts.  If ever there was a man that shows the love of Christ tangibly, it's him.
So for the boys not to have that physical touch, that presence... leaves them empty.

While it can be trying to hear the sadness and confusion, I'm also extremely grateful they miss their daddy so much.
I'm begging the Lord to knit our hearts closer than ever before even though we're farther than ever before.

And, it's possible.  With God, everything and anything is and I have no doubt that this year will be the best thing that has ever happened to us.

But...
If I let them grieve and soak in sadness without ever giving them hope, I've failed.
If I have set them up in life to where Jake is enough for them or I'm enough for them, I've robbed them of the single greatest joy any life can have.

So while we cry daily and I tell them it's ok to be upset and sad and even angry, I point them to Jesus.

If they have an earthly daddy who loves them this much, how much more does their perfectly good Father adore them and delight in them?  I want them to be firmly rooted in the one who never leaves us or forsakes us.

I want them to know that through this trial, we have joy because we have Jesus! No matter the outcome, we all ready have the best thing possible.

And that is something to take joy in no matter the pain that comes.