We've been flying high these last six weeks. While there have certainly been moments of meltdowns, feeling overwhelmed, frustrations and confusion, I can honestly say the Lord has never been more near.
Friends have poured out their love - bringing meals, offering to watch the boys, sending me encouraging texts, praying for me and over me.
I hit a wall this last week. The exhaustion set in. The routine set in. The reality set in.
I came to a place where I started doubting. Doubting that this was from the Lord. Doubting that this is what we should be doing. Doubting that I could even do this for as long as the Lord has us walk in it.
Blessedly, because of events a few months ago, a beautiful woman was placed before me.
I met with her on Monday, bringing all my insecurities, all my tears, all my frustrations.
After sitting and listening to me, she took me to 2 Corinthians and began to read some of Paul's writings.
It was a reminder that I had lost my focus.
That I had been fooled into thinking our obedience to the Lord would mean this would be easy.
Not so. If you ever wonder about submission to Jesus making your life being a bed of roses, read any of Paul's writings.
This past week as everything hit the fan and the boys started the long awaited "acting out", I melted under what I couldn't handle.
Saturday morning found the tears that had hovered all week finally spilling over as I pleaded, pleaded with them to please work with me and not against me. I reminded them that we were a team and that all this strife and malice and disobedience was not from the Lord and it wouldn't gain us anything.
Sunday night, putting the boys to bed, I was absolutely overwhelmed at my weariness. I had nothing to offer them, no words inside me to pray. I felt empty and utterly alone in the dark and quiet.
Mired in panic attacks that would not stop, I started focusing on what lay before me.
I couldn't bear to think of the days and weeks and months that still lay ahead.
Truth, at its best, gives you encouragement.
Truth, at its worst, gives you hope.
So here was Paul... Writing of his floggings, beatings, persecutions, imprisonments. Telling of his shipwrecks, his loss of friends, his physical pain...
Yet, yet... his treasure in his jar of clay was so much more than what was right in front of him.
Here was a man that loved God deeply, was indeed obedient to the Lord's will, yet the enemy relentlessly pounded him and it was not easy.
Did that mean his faith was not enough or that his trust was in something faulty?
Not at all. Just the opposite.
The Lord knew Paul's strength because He was supplying it. He would uphold Paul with His righteous right hand. He would pick Paul up when he stumbled and fell. He would breathe life into Paul's weary heart.
I know, I know how much easier it would be if my kids obeyed me the first time, right away. I work on that, day in and day out for much more than me looking like super-mom (and trust me, I get sucked into that way too easily). I want them to know what it looks like to jump in with both feet into a fiery furnace if that is what the Lord calls them to.
As difficult as this is, I submit every dream and want before the Lord and pour into my boys each and every day. Right now, I trust God's glory to be known whether I have a good week or an awful week.
I will walk the path he has laid out for me, in faith, knowing His goodness will not fail me and that my treasure is far beyond what I see now. Even when this path is not simple.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Bedtime Reminders
Bedtime is getting increasingly more frustrating.
Some nights it can be enjoyable; some nights I'm sitting there wondering "how long until they're asleep?"
Always, though, it's tinged with a joyful sorrow.
Joy because it's...
Bedtime.
Stillness.
Quietness.
Peace.
Sorrow because of what isn't there. Because of what is tangibly missing.
Because waking up in the morning means nothing has changed.
Bedtime was Jake's time with the boys.
We would all read together and then I would get to leave to have him at do the actual "to-bed" madness.
Now though? It's me, it's them and it's tears.
Heartbreakingly, the two year old cries himself to sleep by calling, "Daddy, my daddy."
Over and over and over.
The older ones, in their sleep induced vulnerability ask, "Why?"
Why does he have to be gone?
Why can't he come home?
It's become a sweet time of sweet reminders.
I am not alone in this.
I can cry out to my Heavenly Father because some days, most days... the patience and compassion wears thin.
I ask him to pour out his mercy and grace on me so I might overflow it to my boys.
Jake leaving has left a big hole in all our hearts. If ever there was a man that shows the love of Christ tangibly, it's him.
So for the boys not to have that physical touch, that presence... leaves them empty.
While it can be trying to hear the sadness and confusion, I'm also extremely grateful they miss their daddy so much.
I'm begging the Lord to knit our hearts closer than ever before even though we're farther than ever before.
And, it's possible. With God, everything and anything is and I have no doubt that this year will be the best thing that has ever happened to us.
But...
If I let them grieve and soak in sadness without ever giving them hope, I've failed.
If I have set them up in life to where Jake is enough for them or I'm enough for them, I've robbed them of the single greatest joy any life can have.
So while we cry daily and I tell them it's ok to be upset and sad and even angry, I point them to Jesus.
If they have an earthly daddy who loves them this much, how much more does their perfectly good Father adore them and delight in them? I want them to be firmly rooted in the one who never leaves us or forsakes us.
I want them to know that through this trial, we have joy because we have Jesus! No matter the outcome, we all ready have the best thing possible.
And that is something to take joy in no matter the pain that comes.
Some nights it can be enjoyable; some nights I'm sitting there wondering "how long until they're asleep?"
Always, though, it's tinged with a joyful sorrow.
Joy because it's...
Bedtime.
Stillness.
Quietness.
Peace.
Sorrow because of what isn't there. Because of what is tangibly missing.
Because waking up in the morning means nothing has changed.
Bedtime was Jake's time with the boys.
We would all read together and then I would get to leave to have him at do the actual "to-bed" madness.
Now though? It's me, it's them and it's tears.
Heartbreakingly, the two year old cries himself to sleep by calling, "Daddy, my daddy."
Over and over and over.
The older ones, in their sleep induced vulnerability ask, "Why?"
Why does he have to be gone?
Why can't he come home?
It's become a sweet time of sweet reminders.
I am not alone in this.
I can cry out to my Heavenly Father because some days, most days... the patience and compassion wears thin.
I ask him to pour out his mercy and grace on me so I might overflow it to my boys.
Jake leaving has left a big hole in all our hearts. If ever there was a man that shows the love of Christ tangibly, it's him.
So for the boys not to have that physical touch, that presence... leaves them empty.
While it can be trying to hear the sadness and confusion, I'm also extremely grateful they miss their daddy so much.
I'm begging the Lord to knit our hearts closer than ever before even though we're farther than ever before.
And, it's possible. With God, everything and anything is and I have no doubt that this year will be the best thing that has ever happened to us.
But...
If I let them grieve and soak in sadness without ever giving them hope, I've failed.
If I have set them up in life to where Jake is enough for them or I'm enough for them, I've robbed them of the single greatest joy any life can have.
So while we cry daily and I tell them it's ok to be upset and sad and even angry, I point them to Jesus.
If they have an earthly daddy who loves them this much, how much more does their perfectly good Father adore them and delight in them? I want them to be firmly rooted in the one who never leaves us or forsakes us.
I want them to know that through this trial, we have joy because we have Jesus! No matter the outcome, we all ready have the best thing possible.
And that is something to take joy in no matter the pain that comes.
Friday, November 30, 2012
His Perfect Timing
One of the things I've struggled with in this new season is anxiety. Fear about tomorrow. Worrying about being enough, providing enough, being able to do enough by myself.
Jesus's words in Matthew bring me much comfort. "Do not be anxious... Your Heavenly Father knows you need all these things..."
I've rested in those words, prayed over those passages and recited them to the boys too many times to count.
Today was a perfect example of the Lord providing.
It was time to have a garage sale. I now realize garage sales need to be much more than just me making money. I want to bless the person that walks up. I want to help them, strike up a conversation if they are open to one, get to know them on a simple level.
My sweet neighbors (and may I say, the immediate neighbors around us are invalid and elderly yet have constantly told me to knock on their door if I need something) brought some things over for our garage sale.
They were decluttering, I was setting up - perfection!
While I'm holding the sale, my neighbor strikes up a conversation with a random man who pulls up on his motorcycle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ron turn and point to me but don't think much of it.
The man drives away.
Fifteen minutes later, he pull back up and asks me if I have a moment.
I walk up to him and he hands me a gift card to Kroger.
He tells me he knows what it's like to have a difficult time and he wanted to gift me so I could take care of my babies.
Blessed beyond belief, more so that the Lord has shown over and over how he works through perfect strangers.
As this day approached to have the garage sale, I asked God that he would give just what we needed. It was necessary as there was a mix-up on our insurance and we ended up owing for the entire month of November - and since we didn't know we were covered, we have been paying for everything out of pocket.
Which - if you hold private insurance, it ain't cheap. More so when your husband will be going to a "war zone" and has to have coverage over there.
All that to say, I trusted the Lord to perfectly provide what we would need since we would be stretching the dollars until next payday.
Suffice to say, he did. In very unexpected ways. Above and beyond.
This living by faith might not be easiest, but I've found it's best. It's when you see Him show up.
It's the moment when you realize, He knows.
He always has.
Jesus's words in Matthew bring me much comfort. "Do not be anxious... Your Heavenly Father knows you need all these things..."
I've rested in those words, prayed over those passages and recited them to the boys too many times to count.
Today was a perfect example of the Lord providing.
It was time to have a garage sale. I now realize garage sales need to be much more than just me making money. I want to bless the person that walks up. I want to help them, strike up a conversation if they are open to one, get to know them on a simple level.
My sweet neighbors (and may I say, the immediate neighbors around us are invalid and elderly yet have constantly told me to knock on their door if I need something) brought some things over for our garage sale.
They were decluttering, I was setting up - perfection!
While I'm holding the sale, my neighbor strikes up a conversation with a random man who pulls up on his motorcycle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ron turn and point to me but don't think much of it.
The man drives away.
Fifteen minutes later, he pull back up and asks me if I have a moment.
I walk up to him and he hands me a gift card to Kroger.
He tells me he knows what it's like to have a difficult time and he wanted to gift me so I could take care of my babies.
Blessed beyond belief, more so that the Lord has shown over and over how he works through perfect strangers.
As this day approached to have the garage sale, I asked God that he would give just what we needed. It was necessary as there was a mix-up on our insurance and we ended up owing for the entire month of November - and since we didn't know we were covered, we have been paying for everything out of pocket.
Which - if you hold private insurance, it ain't cheap. More so when your husband will be going to a "war zone" and has to have coverage over there.
All that to say, I trusted the Lord to perfectly provide what we would need since we would be stretching the dollars until next payday.
Suffice to say, he did. In very unexpected ways. Above and beyond.
This living by faith might not be easiest, but I've found it's best. It's when you see Him show up.
It's the moment when you realize, He knows.
He always has.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A New Path
Life changes.
Sometimes far too quickly. Sometimes far too slowly.
These last three years have been difficult. Maritally, personally, spiritually.
The Lord has grown both Jake and I separately and together. One of the biggest things He has grown us in, me especially, has been our contentedness with the here and now.
I'm the "when-then" girl. As in, "When this happens, then I'll be happy."
The Lord brought me to a place that revealed just how arrogant and entitled that was. Paul gives me great hope when he writes that he has learned to be content...
I have learned to be content with the here and now.
And right when I start settling into my here and now, the Lord turns it topsy turvy.
Two months ago, Jake was sought out for a job. A job we rejected because it was so far-fetched and he had a family... (can you hear my self-righteousness?).
But the Lord, in all his powerful ways, wouldn't let us reject it. For three days, he hammered away at our hearts asking us to trust him.
Let me be honest - I lack faith. Abundantly so. One of my constant prayers is that I would live by faith and not by sight. This job offer was an opportunity to do that.
So we submitted the resume, knowing it did not tie us to anything.
All of a sudden, things took off. We had to submit all sorts of information and forms for him to gain a security clearance. His resume was rolled up to the next level. The whole time, we thought, "surely not."
"Surely so," said God.
And here we are.
On Monday afternoon, we got word Jake had been chosen. We had to give them an answer by Tuesday morning. Instead of the 3-4 week window of time we were told we would have to prepare, we have been given one week.
And here we are.
On Wednesday my husband will leave for training for three weeks in Michigan. After that he leaves for the National Deployment Center and just a couple of days after that he will be shipped to Afghanistan.
Did I mention the boys and I are not going with him?
Did I mention this is for a year?
Did I mention he'll be on a military base doing contract work for the military?
I can tell you the myriad of reasons we had for saying no. I can tell you the myriad of voices we had telling us no.
The funny thing is when the Lord calls you, you answer. No matter the difficulty. No matter the pain. No matter the fear.
I trust Him, this One who has allowed this. And I'm praying hard that I would walk in joy, glorifying Him in this difficult season.
Both Jake and I are extremely grateful He has given us this opportunity. It has been 3 long years of praying, of working, of having doors closed and feeling we are at a dead end.
But in all that, Christ called us to live by faith, not by sight. To learn to be content with the here and now.
Sometimes far too quickly. Sometimes far too slowly.
These last three years have been difficult. Maritally, personally, spiritually.
The Lord has grown both Jake and I separately and together. One of the biggest things He has grown us in, me especially, has been our contentedness with the here and now.
I'm the "when-then" girl. As in, "When this happens, then I'll be happy."
The Lord brought me to a place that revealed just how arrogant and entitled that was. Paul gives me great hope when he writes that he has learned to be content...
I have learned to be content with the here and now.
And right when I start settling into my here and now, the Lord turns it topsy turvy.
Two months ago, Jake was sought out for a job. A job we rejected because it was so far-fetched and he had a family... (can you hear my self-righteousness?).
But the Lord, in all his powerful ways, wouldn't let us reject it. For three days, he hammered away at our hearts asking us to trust him.
Let me be honest - I lack faith. Abundantly so. One of my constant prayers is that I would live by faith and not by sight. This job offer was an opportunity to do that.
So we submitted the resume, knowing it did not tie us to anything.
All of a sudden, things took off. We had to submit all sorts of information and forms for him to gain a security clearance. His resume was rolled up to the next level. The whole time, we thought, "surely not."
"Surely so," said God.
And here we are.
On Monday afternoon, we got word Jake had been chosen. We had to give them an answer by Tuesday morning. Instead of the 3-4 week window of time we were told we would have to prepare, we have been given one week.
And here we are.
On Wednesday my husband will leave for training for three weeks in Michigan. After that he leaves for the National Deployment Center and just a couple of days after that he will be shipped to Afghanistan.
Did I mention the boys and I are not going with him?
Did I mention this is for a year?
Did I mention he'll be on a military base doing contract work for the military?
I can tell you the myriad of reasons we had for saying no. I can tell you the myriad of voices we had telling us no.
The funny thing is when the Lord calls you, you answer. No matter the difficulty. No matter the pain. No matter the fear.
I trust Him, this One who has allowed this. And I'm praying hard that I would walk in joy, glorifying Him in this difficult season.
Both Jake and I are extremely grateful He has given us this opportunity. It has been 3 long years of praying, of working, of having doors closed and feeling we are at a dead end.
But in all that, Christ called us to live by faith, not by sight. To learn to be content with the here and now.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sweet Tea Friend
I'm a southern girl. Good ole' Mississippi, no less. So sweet tea is my thing... Real sweet tea. The kind you steep for half the day and add a cup of real sugar to and then let it sit and mix overnight.
No instant powder options and no unsweet tea that I have to add my own sweetner to. In fact, many a restaurant has been labeled "failure" in my book for their inability to serve real sweet tea.
When I go to my mom's, she always has an extra pitcher made. There's something about sipping sweet tea at my mom's in East Texas that tilts my world back right.
Suffice to say, sweet tea might just be my comfort food.
This past week was hard. I was sick and tired and the boys were sick and tired of me being sick and tired. (Quick, how many times can a 6 year old ask if I'm still sick? Answer: too many times to count).
Friday found me hiding on the couch fighting the urge to call my husband home from work to help and fighting the tears that hovered so close to the surface about to spill over.
And then my sweet 5 year old has a tantrum of epic proportions. Screaming, destroying and disobeying.
I'm feebly telling him to go to his room.
He's firmly screaming at me "no" while continuing to do what I told him not to do.
Once I tell him he's reached 7 spankings and his mouth is being washed out with soap (why yes, yes we do discipline seriously around here), he now decides to obey.
At that moment, a message pops up on my phone.
From my sweet friend who had to find someone else to watch her girls that morning because I was sick.
My sweet friend who had offered to come over and watch the boys so I could rest.
My sweet friend who was checking in to see how everything was going.
So I told her. Honestly. Hopefully I didn't come across as desperate as I felt... But I'm sure I did!
She didn't skip a beat. Even thought she had been at a difficult appointment that morning, she tells me to come over with the boys and she'll make me sweet tea.
Be still my heart.
What came to my mind as I went to discipline my passionate little fireball and what I told him was; this was evidence of God's sheer goodness.
In our wicked moments of rebellion and disobedience, He wraps us up in His loving arms of comfort.
He is a God of mercy and loves to give us good gifts even though we don't deserve them and have not even thought to ask for them.
So humbly I went to receive a blessing in the form of a dear friend and a glass filled with much more than comfort.
No instant powder options and no unsweet tea that I have to add my own sweetner to. In fact, many a restaurant has been labeled "failure" in my book for their inability to serve real sweet tea.
When I go to my mom's, she always has an extra pitcher made. There's something about sipping sweet tea at my mom's in East Texas that tilts my world back right.
Suffice to say, sweet tea might just be my comfort food.
This past week was hard. I was sick and tired and the boys were sick and tired of me being sick and tired. (Quick, how many times can a 6 year old ask if I'm still sick? Answer: too many times to count).
Friday found me hiding on the couch fighting the urge to call my husband home from work to help and fighting the tears that hovered so close to the surface about to spill over.
And then my sweet 5 year old has a tantrum of epic proportions. Screaming, destroying and disobeying.
I'm feebly telling him to go to his room.
He's firmly screaming at me "no" while continuing to do what I told him not to do.
Once I tell him he's reached 7 spankings and his mouth is being washed out with soap (why yes, yes we do discipline seriously around here), he now decides to obey.
At that moment, a message pops up on my phone.
From my sweet friend who had to find someone else to watch her girls that morning because I was sick.
My sweet friend who had offered to come over and watch the boys so I could rest.
My sweet friend who was checking in to see how everything was going.
So I told her. Honestly. Hopefully I didn't come across as desperate as I felt... But I'm sure I did!
She didn't skip a beat. Even thought she had been at a difficult appointment that morning, she tells me to come over with the boys and she'll make me sweet tea.
Be still my heart.
What came to my mind as I went to discipline my passionate little fireball and what I told him was; this was evidence of God's sheer goodness.
In our wicked moments of rebellion and disobedience, He wraps us up in His loving arms of comfort.
He is a God of mercy and loves to give us good gifts even though we don't deserve them and have not even thought to ask for them.
So humbly I went to receive a blessing in the form of a dear friend and a glass filled with much more than comfort.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Merciful
I'm faltering right now.
There's been a difficult circumstance. One, where medically, the situation was cut and dry.
Emotionally, there were gray areas.
What happened happened. I trust that to the Lord.
Job 42:1 I know you can do all things and no plan of your can be thwarted.
I can confess my confusion.
But I have to go back to the basics.
And, it has to start with God and who He says He is.
I reached out, sought godly counsel as my emotions were running high. It took diffrent perspectives to help me navigate this thing called life and suffering.
Over and over, I kept hearing the word "merciful." As in "God is merciful", and "It was an act of mercy this was even caught."
Moses, needing desperately more of the Lord, asks to see His glory.
The Lord, in His goodness, hides Moses in the cleft of the rock and proclaims truth.
Truth that is unfailing, from the mouth of God Himself.
There's been a difficult circumstance. One, where medically, the situation was cut and dry.
Emotionally, there were gray areas.
What happened happened. I trust that to the Lord.
Job 42:1 I know you can do all things and no plan of your can be thwarted.
I can confess my confusion.
But I have to go back to the basics.
And, it has to start with God and who He says He is.
I reached out, sought godly counsel as my emotions were running high. It took diffrent perspectives to help me navigate this thing called life and suffering.
Over and over, I kept hearing the word "merciful." As in "God is merciful", and "It was an act of mercy this was even caught."
Moses, needing desperately more of the Lord, asks to see His glory.
The Lord, in His goodness, hides Moses in the cleft of the rock and proclaims truth.
Truth that is unfailing, from the mouth of God Himself.
"The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands..."
Deuteronomy 34:6
Merciful meaning compassionate and lenient.
I have had to sit in this these last couple of days as a sweet friend lost her thriving, living baby who was an ectopic pregnancy to save her other baby's life and her own.
Shades of gray where you cry out your confusion and heartache to the Lord but know He is merciful and good and does good.
An unfailing truth as we mourn baby Evan.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Live Like That
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on the things above not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Colossians 3:1-4
Completely convicted today over this... "Set my mind on the things above... my life is hidden with Christ in God...when Christ, who is my life...
Do I live like that? Do I pursue the higher, holier, godlier things?
Or do I settle for simple earthly passings?
If Christ is my life, if I claim to be a "Christian", does my life actually look like Christ's? Does my life and the way I live reflect the true state of my heart?
Too often we can look good. We can go through the motions of conforming outwardly. Bow our heads. Give glory to God. Claim Christ.
All the while we're walking in our earthliness, chasing things the world has deemed important.
Why? If we know what his Word says and what we should do, why does our life look like everyone else around us, even those in our church?
We don't take seriously the Word of God.
We do the "yeah...but."
"Yeah, I know it says to put to death sexual immorality, but how far is too far?"
"Yeah, it says to put away all anger and malice, but you'd be really upset if they did that to you."
"Yeah, I know it says wives are to be submissive to their husbands but that was a different time and culture."
That's what we do. We take God's living, active, unfailing Word and twist it.
You know who else twisted the truth?
Satan...
From the very beginning. Did God really say...?
It all hinged on that phrase. Was Eve going to take God at his Word -- setting her mind on the things above -- or choose to satisfy the earthly, fleshly desire warring inside her?
It's a daily choice - inviting the Spirit to fill you - so you might walk in the newness of life and pursue Christ as your life.
Because on your own your flesh will eventually become evident.
The fruit you bear reveals what you are rooted in.
The eternal treasures of Christ or the fleeting trinkets of this world is a choice.
Put on then as God's chosen, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility,
meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another,
forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive...
Colossians 3:12-13
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Not Tolerance
I know I'm not the only one noticing it.
We are in an age of intolerance though we claim forward thinking and "we are all one." We like to rail on the fact that a country founded on freedom even had to have a law desegregating schools...
While we're not there, we certainly haven't progressed. We've in fact, taken two steps backwards.
Think on it.
The majority of posts I see on Facebook are condemning one religion or another. Someone posts an opinion you think is absurd and you reply with venom. People were in an uproar over Dan Cathy answering a question regarding his view on marriage.
If he was answering a question, that means he was asked. He wasn't out picketing or proclaiming. And we claim freedom in speech.
We have people trying to shut down a New York City pizza parlor because the owner was so excited to have the President of the United States visit his shop, he bear-hugged him.
"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for him." Colossians 1:16.
Honesty and affection.
This is what we're waging war over? This is why we're trying to destroy people and their livelihoods?
You say you're a tolerant person. Up until the moment you're given a view which doesn't line up with your's.
Then, come hell or high water, you'll ride your high horse and get into a silent screaming match via social media and tell your "friends" or people you've never met and probably will never meet why they're vile and idiotic.
Yet, we claim to be tolerant and accepting and humble.
This is what has become the norm for our culture.
We like to say America is a melting pot, a land of opportunity and growth...
Only as long as you speak our language and stay in certain neighborhoods and don't go to our schools.
How to raise children in this? How to reconcile the God of the Bible, who has called ALL (not a certain type or background or ethnicity) to be his children through belief in his Son to the hate that is plastered all over everything?
I think in all our personal views, we've forgotten a very important commandment. To love our neighbor as ourself (Leviticus 19:18). Regardless of beliefs, skin color, marital status or income. Love. Because he first loved us, so much, that he would send his perfect, spotless Son to die for the very people who reject him and his commandments.
If you're blasting a religious group for not worshiping as you worship - go share Jesus with them (how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!).
Jesus did. He hung out with the prostitutes and lawyers, the scribes and tax collectors.
If you're up in arms over your neighbor not having the same view as you on Creation - invite them over for dinner.
Jesus frequently ate meals with those who rejected his claim as the Son of God.
He came into the world not to condemn the world but to save the world. Who are we to cast the first stone?
So if you're spending time and energy, spend it wisely. Furthering the eternal kingdom rather than berating others for not sharing your opinion is much more satisfying and fulfilling than any earthly thing you could ever pour into.
There is not a battle worth it if it leads to sin and death.
We are in an age of intolerance though we claim forward thinking and "we are all one." We like to rail on the fact that a country founded on freedom even had to have a law desegregating schools...
While we're not there, we certainly haven't progressed. We've in fact, taken two steps backwards.
Think on it.
The majority of posts I see on Facebook are condemning one religion or another. Someone posts an opinion you think is absurd and you reply with venom. People were in an uproar over Dan Cathy answering a question regarding his view on marriage.
If he was answering a question, that means he was asked. He wasn't out picketing or proclaiming. And we claim freedom in speech.
We have people trying to shut down a New York City pizza parlor because the owner was so excited to have the President of the United States visit his shop, he bear-hugged him.
"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities - all things were created through him and for him." Colossians 1:16.
Honesty and affection.
This is what we're waging war over? This is why we're trying to destroy people and their livelihoods?
You say you're a tolerant person. Up until the moment you're given a view which doesn't line up with your's.
Then, come hell or high water, you'll ride your high horse and get into a silent screaming match via social media and tell your "friends" or people you've never met and probably will never meet why they're vile and idiotic.
Yet, we claim to be tolerant and accepting and humble.
This is what has become the norm for our culture.
We like to say America is a melting pot, a land of opportunity and growth...
Only as long as you speak our language and stay in certain neighborhoods and don't go to our schools.
How to raise children in this? How to reconcile the God of the Bible, who has called ALL (not a certain type or background or ethnicity) to be his children through belief in his Son to the hate that is plastered all over everything?
I think in all our personal views, we've forgotten a very important commandment. To love our neighbor as ourself (Leviticus 19:18). Regardless of beliefs, skin color, marital status or income. Love. Because he first loved us, so much, that he would send his perfect, spotless Son to die for the very people who reject him and his commandments.
If you're blasting a religious group for not worshiping as you worship - go share Jesus with them (how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!).
Jesus did. He hung out with the prostitutes and lawyers, the scribes and tax collectors.
If you're up in arms over your neighbor not having the same view as you on Creation - invite them over for dinner.
Jesus frequently ate meals with those who rejected his claim as the Son of God.
He came into the world not to condemn the world but to save the world. Who are we to cast the first stone?
So if you're spending time and energy, spend it wisely. Furthering the eternal kingdom rather than berating others for not sharing your opinion is much more satisfying and fulfilling than any earthly thing you could ever pour into.
There is not a battle worth it if it leads to sin and death.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy going or
a clanging cymbal. And if I have
prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and
if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love
I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body up
to be burned, but have not love,
I gain nothing.
I Corinthians 13:1-3
Exchanging Greatness for Mediocrity
I think we might sometimes confuse "God is good and he does good (Psalm 119:68) with "He's good so that must mean he's going to give me everything I want since I see it as good."
Our wants and our desires are not bad things. Over and over, in God's unfailing, unchanging Word, it tells us Jesus came so we could have life and have it abundantly and that God longs to give us good gifts.
But...where our hope is tells us if we have taken a simple, good desire and turned it into a lustful, all-consuming want.
If our hope is in this thing, this circumstance with no regard to God and his will for us overall and in this given moment, we're worshiping at the feet of a false god that will never satisfy.
I hear so often "I trust the Lord." It's thrown out as our back-up plan.
"I trust him that I won't stumble, this time."
"I trust him to give me this because I really want it and I'm reading my Bible."
"I trust him as long as he succombs to my wants and wishes."
Yes and amen to asking the Lord. He is the only one that tells us to petiton him. To keep asking, to basically harass him. I've learned though, that those things I'm pleading with him for, no matter how innocent or demure they seem on the surface (say, my dad's healing from cancer), I still need to hold them with open hands knowing that because God is good and does good, ultimately his will is good.
When you come to a crossroads, you're presented with choices. Path A and Path B.
Choices have been from the beginning and some choices are not the wisest ones.
Think back to the garden. God put something there that would lead to death. Why?
Because of his great love for us. He loves us with a deep, unending love but he wants that love to be returned -- not because it's forced -- but because we have freedom in choosing.
How many times are choices put before us? A relationship, a job change, a chance to make more money...
And we know, we know, Path A is not the wisest because of our bent to sin but we justify it by saying, "God is sovereign and he would not have put it there if he didn't want me to have it."
We're willing to challenge our integrity all over a simple desire that now rules us.
"We tend to thing that small allowances for sin will not make a lasting effect on our character or keep us from growing in Christ... We let small fires burn thinking the house will never turn to ash around us" (City on a Hill Study Guide, TVC).
So what are those small fires you're just managing?
What are those seemingly flickers of flames that have so clouded your judgement you can't see that in a moment they can overtake you?
If our goal, as a daughter or son of the King, is to live a life to glorify him so we might enjoy Him forever, is that what you're pursuing?
His righteousness? His holiness? His will?
Or are you willing to play with fire hoping the heat and smog leads to purity.
Our wants and our desires are not bad things. Over and over, in God's unfailing, unchanging Word, it tells us Jesus came so we could have life and have it abundantly and that God longs to give us good gifts.
But...where our hope is tells us if we have taken a simple, good desire and turned it into a lustful, all-consuming want.
If our hope is in this thing, this circumstance with no regard to God and his will for us overall and in this given moment, we're worshiping at the feet of a false god that will never satisfy.
I hear so often "I trust the Lord." It's thrown out as our back-up plan.
"I trust him that I won't stumble, this time."
"I trust him to give me this because I really want it and I'm reading my Bible."
"I trust him as long as he succombs to my wants and wishes."
Yes and amen to asking the Lord. He is the only one that tells us to petiton him. To keep asking, to basically harass him. I've learned though, that those things I'm pleading with him for, no matter how innocent or demure they seem on the surface (say, my dad's healing from cancer), I still need to hold them with open hands knowing that because God is good and does good, ultimately his will is good.
When you come to a crossroads, you're presented with choices. Path A and Path B.
Choices have been from the beginning and some choices are not the wisest ones.
Think back to the garden. God put something there that would lead to death. Why?
Because of his great love for us. He loves us with a deep, unending love but he wants that love to be returned -- not because it's forced -- but because we have freedom in choosing.
How many times are choices put before us? A relationship, a job change, a chance to make more money...
And we know, we know, Path A is not the wisest because of our bent to sin but we justify it by saying, "God is sovereign and he would not have put it there if he didn't want me to have it."
We're willing to challenge our integrity all over a simple desire that now rules us.
"We tend to thing that small allowances for sin will not make a lasting effect on our character or keep us from growing in Christ... We let small fires burn thinking the house will never turn to ash around us" (City on a Hill Study Guide, TVC).
So what are those small fires you're just managing?
What are those seemingly flickers of flames that have so clouded your judgement you can't see that in a moment they can overtake you?
If our goal, as a daughter or son of the King, is to live a life to glorify him so we might enjoy Him forever, is that what you're pursuing?
His righteousness? His holiness? His will?
Or are you willing to play with fire hoping the heat and smog leads to purity.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Embracing the Uncertainty
Trying to figure out where you're going while being content with where you are.
Am I the only one who feels this?
We're in this moment right now that feels like we're on a crash collision course. We're standing here thinking "no" but all the signs point to "yes." The unimaginable is looking to become more and more our reality.
I have this thought that goes like this, "Surely not...Who does that?!"
Certainly not us.
But again, the Lord seems to like the off-beaten, the not normal.
In all of it, I see the majestic hand of God.
All my "if only's" become "only You."
Nothing is firm, nothing is set but there are times you just know... you just do.
And the beauty of it is, when He calls, you answer.
Not because of personal strength or righteousness or will power, but because He is all those things for me. I don't have to be.
What will come is doubts, criticism, and anxiety.
But what remains is faith, hope, and love.
Am I the only one who feels this?
We're in this moment right now that feels like we're on a crash collision course. We're standing here thinking "no" but all the signs point to "yes." The unimaginable is looking to become more and more our reality.
I have this thought that goes like this, "Surely not...Who does that?!"
Certainly not us.
But again, the Lord seems to like the off-beaten, the not normal.
In all of it, I see the majestic hand of God.
All my "if only's" become "only You."
Nothing is firm, nothing is set but there are times you just know... you just do.
And the beauty of it is, when He calls, you answer.
Not because of personal strength or righteousness or will power, but because He is all those things for me. I don't have to be.
What will come is doubts, criticism, and anxiety.
But what remains is faith, hope, and love.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Little Lessons
I have this scrap of paper that hangs on my refrigerator. No matter how many times I clean and organize, it stays with me.
Ordinarily orange, in the shape of a triangle, it bears one word. Rejoice.
Obviously handmade.
Obviously the work of a young child.
More than a treasured, "Mom, look what I made you" piece of artwork, it's a reminder that the Lord uses my children to minister to me, to teach me, to encourage me.
And to remind me that everything comes full circle.
We had had a difficult week with difficult news. As we walked the boys through the difficulty, we reminded them of a verse we had learned. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances."
I found myself severely lacking what I had taught them. Colten became enamored of the word rejoice, writing it on every surface available.
One day, in the midst of typical hurriedness and frustration and meltdowns, I wasn't responding well to anything. He kept trying to slip a piece of paper in my hands and without looking, I would tell him, "Thanks, can you please go do what I asked you to do?"
Over and over, he would place it in my hand, no matter that I was running to and fro trying to get us ready.
I finally received it, but not very graciously. Never once cutting my eyes to it, I simply pushed it to the side of the counter and went on doing whatever was so extremely important I can't recall.
Hours later, after being home, exhausted and worn out, he brought me the paper.
I finally looked at it and saw what was so important to him.
He was reminding me what I had been teaching him. To rejoice always, no matter if it's a simple day or a day filled with aggravation.
My freckle faced babe had known what I needed most and lovingly petitioned me to take notice.
So my hand-cut, painstakingly colored triangle stays...For both of us to remind ourselves that rejoicing is what gives us joy, in all circumstances.
Ordinarily orange, in the shape of a triangle, it bears one word. Rejoice.
Obviously handmade.
Obviously the work of a young child.
More than a treasured, "Mom, look what I made you" piece of artwork, it's a reminder that the Lord uses my children to minister to me, to teach me, to encourage me.
And to remind me that everything comes full circle.
We had had a difficult week with difficult news. As we walked the boys through the difficulty, we reminded them of a verse we had learned. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances."
I found myself severely lacking what I had taught them. Colten became enamored of the word rejoice, writing it on every surface available.
One day, in the midst of typical hurriedness and frustration and meltdowns, I wasn't responding well to anything. He kept trying to slip a piece of paper in my hands and without looking, I would tell him, "Thanks, can you please go do what I asked you to do?"
Over and over, he would place it in my hand, no matter that I was running to and fro trying to get us ready.
I finally received it, but not very graciously. Never once cutting my eyes to it, I simply pushed it to the side of the counter and went on doing whatever was so extremely important I can't recall.
Hours later, after being home, exhausted and worn out, he brought me the paper.
I finally looked at it and saw what was so important to him.
He was reminding me what I had been teaching him. To rejoice always, no matter if it's a simple day or a day filled with aggravation.
My freckle faced babe had known what I needed most and lovingly petitioned me to take notice.
So my hand-cut, painstakingly colored triangle stays...For both of us to remind ourselves that rejoicing is what gives us joy, in all circumstances.
Rejoicing and Mourning
Today I received the joyous news that my friend's sweet baby was being discharged from the NICU and is allowed to go home.
Today I received the difficult news that a dear friend would be starting medication to start contractions to have the baby that has ceased having a heartbeat.
At a crossroads of emotions, which wins?
The mourning sits heavy, causing my heart to reflect on what I believe.
It overshadows the deep desire and want to rejoice.
In a moment of frailty, I'm reminded of the despair.
In a moment of pain, I'm reminded of the brokenness.
In a moment of mourning, I'm reminded my hope is not here.
Yesterday found me receiving pictures of another friend's precious arrival while holding the hand of another who had just suffered a miscarriage.
Mourning and rejoicing; so closely intertwined but one always looming larger than the other.
In the grief, I remind myself of all that was lost in the Fall. It has been rightly and so wisely said that if you do not understand where we've fallen from (perfect community with God and no shame), you can't understand the dysfunction we now live in (a fracture of what was).
Yet, a flicker of hope stays lit no matter how hard the buffeting winds of death and destruction blow.
Right now, we live out sin and shame, tears and confusion. Temporarily, for the end does come no matter what you believe.
But one day, He returns to redeem all that has been lost and marred. He becomes the gospel in action once again.
For those that have received salvation and believe in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, this is what we cling to in the wake of devastation. Our hope secured, our joy never ceasing.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36
Today I received the difficult news that a dear friend would be starting medication to start contractions to have the baby that has ceased having a heartbeat.
At a crossroads of emotions, which wins?
The mourning sits heavy, causing my heart to reflect on what I believe.
It overshadows the deep desire and want to rejoice.
In a moment of frailty, I'm reminded of the despair.
In a moment of pain, I'm reminded of the brokenness.
In a moment of mourning, I'm reminded my hope is not here.
Yesterday found me receiving pictures of another friend's precious arrival while holding the hand of another who had just suffered a miscarriage.
Mourning and rejoicing; so closely intertwined but one always looming larger than the other.
In the grief, I remind myself of all that was lost in the Fall. It has been rightly and so wisely said that if you do not understand where we've fallen from (perfect community with God and no shame), you can't understand the dysfunction we now live in (a fracture of what was).
Yet, a flicker of hope stays lit no matter how hard the buffeting winds of death and destruction blow.
Right now, we live out sin and shame, tears and confusion. Temporarily, for the end does come no matter what you believe.
But one day, He returns to redeem all that has been lost and marred. He becomes the gospel in action once again.
For those that have received salvation and believe in the powerful name of Jesus Christ, this is what we cling to in the wake of devastation. Our hope secured, our joy never ceasing.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Most Important Church
I know so many people, being one of them, that grew up in church but never had a true understanding of who God is, what Jesus did, and what the gospel is.
I was never taught those things at home. It was understood that I since I went to church every Sunday, I knew the Bible.
Many want to blame it on the teachings of the church. But here, I think we're off.
If your kid gets one hour a week of church, no matter how solid that teaching is, it will not make up for the other 167 hours. And those 167 are absolutely filled with contradictions.
As a parent, we're called to teach and train our children.
As a parent, we're called to share with them the goodness of God as we sit, lie, rise, and walk.
So often we know it, but we don't do it.
Instead, we expect the church to produce saints in their very limited time frame.
We expect our church to shepherd and guide, rebuke and discipline, teach and lead.
If children are a gift from God, are we treating them as such?
Are we viewing them through the eyes of Christ or do we see them as mere inconveniences to our will and wants?
I found myself being baptized at eight with no real regard to who I was in light of Christ and who God said He was in the Bible. One hour a week wasn't enough to cut it.
At 26, I found myself entering those waters again, this time with a heart of flesh and deep love for the Lord.
So it is with our kids. The more we invite Christ to be a part of our seemingly mundane, ordinary days, the more we see the extraordinary. We have more of an opportunity to watch the Holy Spirit work in our little ones who, by nature, are children of wrath
It's not easy.
Some days it will seem impossible.
But in all moments, we have a Heavenly Father who walks with us.
We have been given grace upon grace through the atoning work of Jesus Christ.
We have our Helper, the Holy Spirit who teaches us all things.
Be the church in your own home. Share the good news of Jesus's redeeming work in all you do with your kids. The Lord is indeed faithful, whether they receive salvation at age 8 or 28.
I was never taught those things at home. It was understood that I since I went to church every Sunday, I knew the Bible.
Many want to blame it on the teachings of the church. But here, I think we're off.
If your kid gets one hour a week of church, no matter how solid that teaching is, it will not make up for the other 167 hours. And those 167 are absolutely filled with contradictions.
As a parent, we're called to teach and train our children.
As a parent, we're called to share with them the goodness of God as we sit, lie, rise, and walk.
So often we know it, but we don't do it.
Instead, we expect the church to produce saints in their very limited time frame.
We expect our church to shepherd and guide, rebuke and discipline, teach and lead.
If children are a gift from God, are we treating them as such?
Are we viewing them through the eyes of Christ or do we see them as mere inconveniences to our will and wants?
I found myself being baptized at eight with no real regard to who I was in light of Christ and who God said He was in the Bible. One hour a week wasn't enough to cut it.
At 26, I found myself entering those waters again, this time with a heart of flesh and deep love for the Lord.
So it is with our kids. The more we invite Christ to be a part of our seemingly mundane, ordinary days, the more we see the extraordinary. We have more of an opportunity to watch the Holy Spirit work in our little ones who, by nature, are children of wrath
It's not easy.
Some days it will seem impossible.
But in all moments, we have a Heavenly Father who walks with us.
We have been given grace upon grace through the atoning work of Jesus Christ.
We have our Helper, the Holy Spirit who teaches us all things.
Be the church in your own home. Share the good news of Jesus's redeeming work in all you do with your kids. The Lord is indeed faithful, whether they receive salvation at age 8 or 28.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Not the Fullness Thereof
I'm just five chapters into the prophecy of Jeremiah. One phrase keeps sticking out to me from chapters four and five.
"I will not make a full end of you."
The beauty of this verse didn't strike me until about the third time I read through this because I didn't comprehend what the Lord was talking about.
He speaks these words to Jeremiah after telling him of the devastation coming to Jerusalem.
But even in those days, declares the Lord, I will not make a full end of you.
Hope among hopelessness.
Jeremiah is telling the nation that mighty warriors are coming from the north to seek, devour, plunder and destroy. To take them to a foreign land to serve as slaves. To take them from their comfort to the unknown.
A death sentence, but not.
All though the discipline will be severe and weeping may tarry for far longer than a night, there will be a morning when joy comes.
As painful as this will be for the people of Jerusalem the Lord is after far more than their earthly comforts.
He knows it is far better for their false worship and fake god-seeking to be completely ripped away.
God has no delight in these consequences. He has pleaded with them, rebuked them and disciplined them lightly.
But now the time has come for disastrous results all because their way and deeds have caused their very bitter doom (v 18). He will not be made a mockery of because His glory is His goal.
It is always telling for me to hear the Lord's very heart - a heart He designed me to seek after. A heart of mercy and grace, but also of justice.
The Lord is in anguish Himself. The very one who could keep the north from coming and terrorizing knows - for the bearing it has on the Israelites eternity - that this must happen for them to set their minds of Him alone and not the deaf and mute wooden gods.
These gods that they over and over try to breathe their very own breath into. These gods they have formed with their own hands.
God alone breathes His breath into our lifeless bodies.
God alone brings our dead hearts back to beating.
God alone sets crooked paths straight.
This does not come with ease and comfort. But He knows that all discipline at the time seems painful but later, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
And righteousness, dear ones, is what we're after.
"I will not make a full end of you."
The beauty of this verse didn't strike me until about the third time I read through this because I didn't comprehend what the Lord was talking about.
He speaks these words to Jeremiah after telling him of the devastation coming to Jerusalem.
Their quiver is like an open tomb;
they are all mighty warriors.
They shall eat up your harvest and your food;
they shall eat up your sons and your daughters;
they shall eat up your flocks and your fig trees;
your fortified cities in which you trust
they shall beat down with a sword.
But even in those days, declares the Lord, I will not make a full end of you.
Hope among hopelessness.
Jeremiah is telling the nation that mighty warriors are coming from the north to seek, devour, plunder and destroy. To take them to a foreign land to serve as slaves. To take them from their comfort to the unknown.
A death sentence, but not.
All though the discipline will be severe and weeping may tarry for far longer than a night, there will be a morning when joy comes.
As painful as this will be for the people of Jerusalem the Lord is after far more than their earthly comforts.
He knows it is far better for their false worship and fake god-seeking to be completely ripped away.
God has no delight in these consequences. He has pleaded with them, rebuked them and disciplined them lightly.
But now the time has come for disastrous results all because their way and deeds have caused their very bitter doom (v 18). He will not be made a mockery of because His glory is His goal.
It is always telling for me to hear the Lord's very heart - a heart He designed me to seek after. A heart of mercy and grace, but also of justice.
The Lord is in anguish Himself. The very one who could keep the north from coming and terrorizing knows - for the bearing it has on the Israelites eternity - that this must happen for them to set their minds of Him alone and not the deaf and mute wooden gods.
These gods that they over and over try to breathe their very own breath into. These gods they have formed with their own hands.
God alone breathes His breath into our lifeless bodies.
God alone brings our dead hearts back to beating.
God alone sets crooked paths straight.
This does not come with ease and comfort. But He knows that all discipline at the time seems painful but later, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
And righteousness, dear ones, is what we're after.
My Sight
There are seasons of rest. And there are seasons of hard work.
Right now is a season of hard work...of my heart. It seems as if right now my sin is ever before me. Those hindrances, those battles, those struggles. Daily, they are revealed.
Reading through the first three chapters of Genesis, I keep coming back to Adam and Eve partaking in the one thing the LORD told them not to. Why did they choose to disobey?
Because they wanted to know.
Isn't that my bent... knowing?
Don't give me faith, give me sight.
If you'll just tell me what's coming in the next three months or three years, then I can work on helping you out and make sure everything is prepared and wrapped up in a pretty little bow.
I want to know our future. I want to know what's around the corner. I want to know, in those seasons of waiting, what we're waiting on. I want to know.
But then, who am I counting on? Who am I trusting in?
I'm acting independently of Him; I'm acting independently of the One who I'm in union with.
Similar to Rebekah seeking to make Jacob the heir because she didn't trust God to accomplish His will, so my faith is small.
If I just know, if I could just see what God is attempting to do, then I could assist Him.
My ways are good, right? I inflate my abilities to god-like. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God" (Genesis 3:5).
That's the core of it. I want to be like Him, calling the shots. All powerful and all knowing.
Just like with Adam and Eve, that desire is ultimately my downfall.
Over and over I ask Him to help my unbelief. My unbelief that He is a good God, that He is a personal God, deeply caring for me. And in that, I don't have to know because He all ready does.
Right now is a season of hard work...of my heart. It seems as if right now my sin is ever before me. Those hindrances, those battles, those struggles. Daily, they are revealed.
Reading through the first three chapters of Genesis, I keep coming back to Adam and Eve partaking in the one thing the LORD told them not to. Why did they choose to disobey?
Because they wanted to know.
Isn't that my bent... knowing?
Don't give me faith, give me sight.
If you'll just tell me what's coming in the next three months or three years, then I can work on helping you out and make sure everything is prepared and wrapped up in a pretty little bow.
I want to know our future. I want to know what's around the corner. I want to know, in those seasons of waiting, what we're waiting on. I want to know.
But then, who am I counting on? Who am I trusting in?
I'm acting independently of Him; I'm acting independently of the One who I'm in union with.
Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
who turns his heart away from the LORD.
Jeremiah 17:5
Similar to Rebekah seeking to make Jacob the heir because she didn't trust God to accomplish His will, so my faith is small.
If I just know, if I could just see what God is attempting to do, then I could assist Him.
My ways are good, right? I inflate my abilities to god-like. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God" (Genesis 3:5).
That's the core of it. I want to be like Him, calling the shots. All powerful and all knowing.
Just like with Adam and Eve, that desire is ultimately my downfall.
Over and over I ask Him to help my unbelief. My unbelief that He is a good God, that He is a personal God, deeply caring for me. And in that, I don't have to know because He all ready does.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Finding Freedom
These past couple of weeks there has been an all out war raging in my heart.
As sin was revealed, I kept sinking lower and lower under the weight of it.
This past weekend found us at a Leader's Conference led by JR Vassar.
In the midst of worship Friday night, the Lord gently spoke to me. He reminded me there is freedom in His grace.
Freedom I had not been walking in. Instead, I had started to see grace as burdensome, pressing, bothersome. Like I had impositions put upon me. Like I have to do this sanctifcation by myself. Like I needed to do certain things and be a certain way to keep my righteousness.
Yet, in the midst of not wanting to worship, with a very hard heart, the Lord reminded me He loves me. He is not battling against me but instead battling against those idols in my heart. He battles on my behalf.
I was grateful for the reminder. That He is good. And in Him I find the goodness I am so longing for.
His words ring true, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28)
When I am feeling the crushing weight, I don't have my gaze fixed upon the Lord. When I look to my circumstances for joy and peace, they can never measure up.
His call is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, for years on end. He frees us from the bondage that binds us. Those chains have been torn away, giving me liberty.
"For freedom Christ has set us free." (Galatians 5:1) Yes and amen.
As sin was revealed, I kept sinking lower and lower under the weight of it.
This past weekend found us at a Leader's Conference led by JR Vassar.
In the midst of worship Friday night, the Lord gently spoke to me. He reminded me there is freedom in His grace.
Freedom I had not been walking in. Instead, I had started to see grace as burdensome, pressing, bothersome. Like I had impositions put upon me. Like I have to do this sanctifcation by myself. Like I needed to do certain things and be a certain way to keep my righteousness.
Yet, in the midst of not wanting to worship, with a very hard heart, the Lord reminded me He loves me. He is not battling against me but instead battling against those idols in my heart. He battles on my behalf.
I was grateful for the reminder. That He is good. And in Him I find the goodness I am so longing for.
His words ring true, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28)
When I am feeling the crushing weight, I don't have my gaze fixed upon the Lord. When I look to my circumstances for joy and peace, they can never measure up.
His call is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, for years on end. He frees us from the bondage that binds us. Those chains have been torn away, giving me liberty.
"For freedom Christ has set us free." (Galatians 5:1) Yes and amen.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thursday
This Thursday will find me standing in front of a room full of people. Most unknown and unfamiliar to me and me to them. Yet, I will stand in front of them, sharing a brief word on why I'm there.
An hour later I will be handed a sheet of paper with the names of about twelve women I've probably never met. These are the women that for the next thirteen weeks will gather with me as we go through an intense disicpleship program called Steps.
These beautiful women, from all walks of life, will gather and bare their souls. We will share deep truths, hard hearts and merciful moments. Some will be absolutely terrified, some will be extremely excited; most all of us will find much more than we bargained for at the end of the semester.
As I've known this date was approaching the last six weeks or so, my failures and struggles become more glaringly obvious. Who am I to lead? Who am I to shepherd? Who am I to encourage?
But that's the beauty of it. None of us has it together. I am living proof that the Lord can take, break and remake into a vessel for His glory. I get to be a flawed human being helping out other flawed human beings.
There is no hiding, there is no shame or condemnation. Some will come in broken and beat down. Some will come in simply seeking. All will come in and get more of the Lord.
I'm expected to shepherd them, lead them, and love them. At times, I'll be able to fully grasp the difficulties the Lord has them walking in. With others, I'll only be able to weep with them and be grateful the Lord has given them to me for a short season.
In all of it, I keep my mind stayed on Him. If I veer to the left or right and try to take on changing hearts, it won't go well. Paul so wisely wrote, "I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth" (I Corinthians 3:6). Spirit filled and spirit led is my constant prayer as He is the only one that can make the old new.
Previous experience tells me there will be huge break-through's. Previous experience tells me there will be those that decide they don't want to do the hard work because their heart is not in the right place. Previous experience tells me there will be those that can conform to the external act but the inward has yet to be cleansed.
Over and over, the Lord will call me to trust Him. That He is all-seeing, all-knowing and He truly does know what is best for each of these daughters He places before me.
And as much as it is a reminder for them, I need these words constantly: That whatever season or struggle the Lord has them walking in right now, it is how He has seen best to draw them close to Him. Whether it's a time of rejoicing or a time of mourning, He works all things together for our good.
His glory is our good. One thing I can be assured of this next week is this; the Lord is mighty to save, heal and reconcile and we will see His amazing power manifest itself.
An hour later I will be handed a sheet of paper with the names of about twelve women I've probably never met. These are the women that for the next thirteen weeks will gather with me as we go through an intense disicpleship program called Steps.
These beautiful women, from all walks of life, will gather and bare their souls. We will share deep truths, hard hearts and merciful moments. Some will be absolutely terrified, some will be extremely excited; most all of us will find much more than we bargained for at the end of the semester.
As I've known this date was approaching the last six weeks or so, my failures and struggles become more glaringly obvious. Who am I to lead? Who am I to shepherd? Who am I to encourage?
But that's the beauty of it. None of us has it together. I am living proof that the Lord can take, break and remake into a vessel for His glory. I get to be a flawed human being helping out other flawed human beings.
There is no hiding, there is no shame or condemnation. Some will come in broken and beat down. Some will come in simply seeking. All will come in and get more of the Lord.
I'm expected to shepherd them, lead them, and love them. At times, I'll be able to fully grasp the difficulties the Lord has them walking in. With others, I'll only be able to weep with them and be grateful the Lord has given them to me for a short season.
In all of it, I keep my mind stayed on Him. If I veer to the left or right and try to take on changing hearts, it won't go well. Paul so wisely wrote, "I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth" (I Corinthians 3:6). Spirit filled and spirit led is my constant prayer as He is the only one that can make the old new.
Previous experience tells me there will be huge break-through's. Previous experience tells me there will be those that decide they don't want to do the hard work because their heart is not in the right place. Previous experience tells me there will be those that can conform to the external act but the inward has yet to be cleansed.
Over and over, the Lord will call me to trust Him. That He is all-seeing, all-knowing and He truly does know what is best for each of these daughters He places before me.
And as much as it is a reminder for them, I need these words constantly: That whatever season or struggle the Lord has them walking in right now, it is how He has seen best to draw them close to Him. Whether it's a time of rejoicing or a time of mourning, He works all things together for our good.
His glory is our good. One thing I can be assured of this next week is this; the Lord is mighty to save, heal and reconcile and we will see His amazing power manifest itself.
Warring Within
This is a lengthy one. This is one where I untangle the thoughts and struggles my heart has been churning out and I'm just now realizing.
This is the one where I tell you I have been dead in my coveting and jealousy and selfish ambitions.
This is the one where I'm hoping the confession will lead to a breakthrough.
This is the one where I tell you what I'm teaching my oh-so-struggling six year old and, through teaching him, the Lord is teaching me.
James 4:1-8
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I've watched my six year old battle some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks. It finally came to a head today, when, in two separate instances, he physically hurt people because he had selfish desires that weren't being met.
I've been battling some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks as the selfish desires I've had have gone unmet. It results in me withdrawing and not communicating.
I keep getting my worship wrong. I keep falling into the trap of thinking if all these things would just happen, if all these things would fall into place, then I would have more of the LORD.
And He mercifully reminds me that first I must seek His kingdom. Seeking my own leads to destruction. As I very well know and have all ready walked in.
I call it spiritual amnesia. How quickly I am to forget the goodness He has all ready done. How quickly I am to forget His delight in me. How quickly I am to forget that He has all ready shown His ultimate act of love in the death of His Son, Jesus Christ.
I told my blue-eyed boy we were both struggling, at the core of it, with the same thing - self-love and worship gone backwards which is not worship at all - but it was just manifesting itself differently in each of us.
The Lord led me, through Paul David Tripp's oh-so-convicting book, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, to bow in a time of prayer yesterday and give thanks for this season. Heart open and humbled, grateful that I have a Father who loves me enough to say no. A Father that loves me enough to not give me over to the lusts of my heart. A Father who loves me enough to not let me wander too far, just enough to see that the grass I thought was so green on the other side is only carefully tended weeds and thorns.
So how do I rewire my heart? By his grace, because it is unending and bountiful. I look to Him, confess to Him, repent, and give thanks in all circumstances.
I turn my worship to Him through learning, meditation and song. Over and over, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I lift my voice to Him knowing He is faithful to finish this work He started in me.
As I go though the rest of this day, teaching and rebuking my son, I'll take the words I give to him and hide them deep in my heart. Because we are not so different, him and I. Both sinners. Both in desperate need of heart change, not circumstance change. Both with hope so very near.
This is the one where I tell you I have been dead in my coveting and jealousy and selfish ambitions.
This is the one where I'm hoping the confession will lead to a breakthrough.
This is the one where I tell you what I'm teaching my oh-so-struggling six year old and, through teaching him, the Lord is teaching me.
James 4:1-8
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
I've watched my six year old battle some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks. It finally came to a head today, when, in two separate instances, he physically hurt people because he had selfish desires that weren't being met.
I've been battling some fierce anger and self-righteousness these past two weeks as the selfish desires I've had have gone unmet. It results in me withdrawing and not communicating.
I keep getting my worship wrong. I keep falling into the trap of thinking if all these things would just happen, if all these things would fall into place, then I would have more of the LORD.
And He mercifully reminds me that first I must seek His kingdom. Seeking my own leads to destruction. As I very well know and have all ready walked in.
I call it spiritual amnesia. How quickly I am to forget the goodness He has all ready done. How quickly I am to forget His delight in me. How quickly I am to forget that He has all ready shown His ultimate act of love in the death of His Son, Jesus Christ.
I told my blue-eyed boy we were both struggling, at the core of it, with the same thing - self-love and worship gone backwards which is not worship at all - but it was just manifesting itself differently in each of us.
The Lord led me, through Paul David Tripp's oh-so-convicting book, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, to bow in a time of prayer yesterday and give thanks for this season. Heart open and humbled, grateful that I have a Father who loves me enough to say no. A Father that loves me enough to not give me over to the lusts of my heart. A Father who loves me enough to not let me wander too far, just enough to see that the grass I thought was so green on the other side is only carefully tended weeds and thorns.
So how do I rewire my heart? By his grace, because it is unending and bountiful. I look to Him, confess to Him, repent, and give thanks in all circumstances.
I turn my worship to Him through learning, meditation and song. Over and over, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I lift my voice to Him knowing He is faithful to finish this work He started in me.
As I go though the rest of this day, teaching and rebuking my son, I'll take the words I give to him and hide them deep in my heart. Because we are not so different, him and I. Both sinners. Both in desperate need of heart change, not circumstance change. Both with hope so very near.
"If a certain set of desires rules my heart, I will not want God to be a wise, loving, sovereign Father who gives me what he knows is best. Instead, I will want a divine waiter who delivers what I have set my heart on...He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts. He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings. He fights for us, for the thoughts and desires of our hearts... Thank him for that!"
- Paul David Tripp
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Rejecting the Gift
A moment of annoyance turned into an "aha" moment.
I'm pulling weeds in the front yard - speedily - trying to restore some form of order in our very hopeless flower bed. Note the "very."
The boys are running amok, riding scooters, playing.
All of a sudden, I hear a scrape and then wailing. Easten had fallen off onto sidewalk, bloodying his toe.
I'm immediately frustrated. I have piles of weeds heaped about, dirt caked on my hands and mud layered under my fingernails. And now? I have to put it aside and go attend my son when all I'm trying to do is nurture the unattended.
The Lord whispered. "You are a nurturer, first and foremost. To him, this gift I gave you. Why are shirking your responsibility?"
Why, indeed.
Because my desire in that moment wasn't being met. My need was going unfulfilled. I couldn't accomplish what I so badly wanted to do... I had to go take care of someone else.
It's a bit revealing to write this out.
I didn't want to do my most important task - loving my child - because I was too busy loving myself.
Again, the Spirit brings the hidden into the light.
If my only job right now, in regards to my children, is to teach them, train them, disciple them and love them, why do I get so irritated when I'm called to do what I'm supposed to do?
Because I rule my heart.
Do you ever notice the desires you had ten, five, even one year ago? Do you ever notice when they actually come to fruition? Do you ever notice how you're so busy stewing about what you don't have, you don't see a dream has come true, a prayer has been answered, a hope has been realized?
Let's be honest. How many of us girls dreamed about a wedding, holding a newborn, having these kinds of friends or this kind of career, or owning a house - only once we have it, we've actually obtained it, it becomes a source of frustration?
If only I could have a girls' night; if only I could afford a nanny; if only I was friends with that group of women; if only I had this kind of job with the paycheck; if only we didn't have to repair this yet again...
What the Lord has so graciously granted us, we throw back in His face.
"Despised and rejected by men..." (Isaiah 53:3).
Time and time again, we look to our circumstances and temporary to satisfy. And it never will because it was never created to.
All these lovely and generous gifts are given us to bring about our worship in Him.
Yet if we're too busy worshiping ourselves and our desires, we'll never see the pure goodness of a God who deeply loves us.
I'm pulling weeds in the front yard - speedily - trying to restore some form of order in our very hopeless flower bed. Note the "very."
The boys are running amok, riding scooters, playing.
All of a sudden, I hear a scrape and then wailing. Easten had fallen off onto sidewalk, bloodying his toe.
I'm immediately frustrated. I have piles of weeds heaped about, dirt caked on my hands and mud layered under my fingernails. And now? I have to put it aside and go attend my son when all I'm trying to do is nurture the unattended.
The Lord whispered. "You are a nurturer, first and foremost. To him, this gift I gave you. Why are shirking your responsibility?"
Why, indeed.
Because my desire in that moment wasn't being met. My need was going unfulfilled. I couldn't accomplish what I so badly wanted to do... I had to go take care of someone else.
It's a bit revealing to write this out.
I didn't want to do my most important task - loving my child - because I was too busy loving myself.
Again, the Spirit brings the hidden into the light.
If my only job right now, in regards to my children, is to teach them, train them, disciple them and love them, why do I get so irritated when I'm called to do what I'm supposed to do?
Because I rule my heart.
Do you ever notice the desires you had ten, five, even one year ago? Do you ever notice when they actually come to fruition? Do you ever notice how you're so busy stewing about what you don't have, you don't see a dream has come true, a prayer has been answered, a hope has been realized?
Let's be honest. How many of us girls dreamed about a wedding, holding a newborn, having these kinds of friends or this kind of career, or owning a house - only once we have it, we've actually obtained it, it becomes a source of frustration?
If only I could have a girls' night; if only I could afford a nanny; if only I was friends with that group of women; if only I had this kind of job with the paycheck; if only we didn't have to repair this yet again...
What the Lord has so graciously granted us, we throw back in His face.
"Despised and rejected by men..." (Isaiah 53:3).
Time and time again, we look to our circumstances and temporary to satisfy. And it never will because it was never created to.
All these lovely and generous gifts are given us to bring about our worship in Him.
Yet if we're too busy worshiping ourselves and our desires, we'll never see the pure goodness of a God who deeply loves us.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Jeremiah 4:1-3
I'm a reader. Lover of words. Lover of books. Huge fan of the dictionary.
When the boys have a question about the meaning of a word? Mr. Webster is our teacher.
When I come across a word in Scripture study I don't comprehend? Again, Mr. Webster gives good council.
He's really faithful, too. Steadfast. Doesn't change.
Part of my studying includes looking up what else could be substituted in place of what is used.
You with me? All that to say - you'll see several definitions below, but it's all for a good cause.
Jeremiah 4:1 If you return, O Israel, declares the Lord, to me you should return.
What do we return to? When we believe the lie that the grass really is greener on the other side...we usually end up realizing what a farce it is.
We run off to find cleaner water, whiter sand and better food; only to become dissatisfied with what we thought would satisfy.
So we run back and forth, wavering, waiting, grasping at something that is so elusive. In all this, what is God's command?
To return to him.
He knows, oh how deeply He knows, the search we're on, hunting for that one thing to fill the black hole in our heart.
And He stands... patiently, lovingly, arms ever widening, knowing that in Him we will have true joy and everlasting peace.
But it's not a call to return and just stand passively by. No, He calls us to work. Hard work. Back-breaking work. Sweat-dripping-off-your-brow work.
Jeremiah 4:2 Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns.
Break: 1) shatter violently
2) destroy the continuity
3) tame, train
4) soften, weaken
Fallow: 1) plowed, but not sowed
2) not in use; idle
I'm in Texas so I'll use a Texas example. We've had a myriad of things going on this summer. The last thing we had on our mind was taking care of our yard. Dead grass, weeds, "stickers" better known as burrs, un-diggable soil. In other words, we left it idle.
So when I've gone to till it or dig for an herb garden, my teeth have rattled from the metal clanging on the unbroken, rocky terra firma.
It has taken sore muscles-I-didn't-know-I-had and blisters on my hand to make the unplantable plantable.
To keep the ground useable where the fledgling seeds can take root and flourish, I have to daily pluck the weeds -- the thorns that encroach and threaten to overtake the hope sprouting.
So is the story of my life; I fail, often. And the Lord calls, everytime, "To me, return."
Returning is the easy part.
Remaining there is not.
I have to sow my gifts, abilities, talents and time not among the cares and trials of this world, but in rich soil, deep and abiding, to have them grow into something kingdom worthy (Matthew 13).
I have to continually till what so easily becomes parched, hardened, idle.
And I get weary, quickly so.
Running this race, I keep my sights on Him, my mind stayed on Him. It may take years, but I all ready know my prize.
Jeremiah 4:2 ...then nations shall bless themselves in him, and in him shall they glory.
Glory: 1) exalted honor
2) splendor, radiance
And glory, honor, is what I'm after.
When the boys have a question about the meaning of a word? Mr. Webster is our teacher.
When I come across a word in Scripture study I don't comprehend? Again, Mr. Webster gives good council.
He's really faithful, too. Steadfast. Doesn't change.
Part of my studying includes looking up what else could be substituted in place of what is used.
You with me? All that to say - you'll see several definitions below, but it's all for a good cause.
Jeremiah 4:1 If you return, O Israel, declares the Lord, to me you should return.
What do we return to? When we believe the lie that the grass really is greener on the other side...we usually end up realizing what a farce it is.
We run off to find cleaner water, whiter sand and better food; only to become dissatisfied with what we thought would satisfy.
So we run back and forth, wavering, waiting, grasping at something that is so elusive. In all this, what is God's command?
To return to him.
He knows, oh how deeply He knows, the search we're on, hunting for that one thing to fill the black hole in our heart.
And He stands... patiently, lovingly, arms ever widening, knowing that in Him we will have true joy and everlasting peace.
But it's not a call to return and just stand passively by. No, He calls us to work. Hard work. Back-breaking work. Sweat-dripping-off-your-brow work.
Jeremiah 4:2 Break up your fallow ground, and sow not among thorns.
Break: 1) shatter violently
2) destroy the continuity
3) tame, train
4) soften, weaken
Fallow: 1) plowed, but not sowed
2) not in use; idle
I'm in Texas so I'll use a Texas example. We've had a myriad of things going on this summer. The last thing we had on our mind was taking care of our yard. Dead grass, weeds, "stickers" better known as burrs, un-diggable soil. In other words, we left it idle.
So when I've gone to till it or dig for an herb garden, my teeth have rattled from the metal clanging on the unbroken, rocky terra firma.
It has taken sore muscles-I-didn't-know-I-had and blisters on my hand to make the unplantable plantable.
To keep the ground useable where the fledgling seeds can take root and flourish, I have to daily pluck the weeds -- the thorns that encroach and threaten to overtake the hope sprouting.
So is the story of my life; I fail, often. And the Lord calls, everytime, "To me, return."
Returning is the easy part.
Remaining there is not.
I have to sow my gifts, abilities, talents and time not among the cares and trials of this world, but in rich soil, deep and abiding, to have them grow into something kingdom worthy (Matthew 13).
I have to continually till what so easily becomes parched, hardened, idle.
And I get weary, quickly so.
Running this race, I keep my sights on Him, my mind stayed on Him. It may take years, but I all ready know my prize.
Jeremiah 4:2 ...then nations shall bless themselves in him, and in him shall they glory.
Glory: 1) exalted honor
2) splendor, radiance
And glory, honor, is what I'm after.
What am I Known By?
As usual, you meet a myriad of people when you hold a garage sale.
I had this lady somehow call me on the phone to discuss an item that was being sold.
Mistakenly, I thought she was from our church since she had my e-mail and phone number...
A little creepy in hind-sight but lesson learned.
Anyhow, she shows up to the garage sale and through talking, I finally realize my blunder.
In talking, we discover that we've grown up in the same area and graduated from the same high school. She was a year ahead of me, in the class of my husband.
I proceed to ask the same sort of questions you normally ask a complete stranger in trying to pin point exactly how you know them.
Finally, she comes up with why I should know her. And I should know her by the best friends she had in high school...
Did I mention the time period we're talking about is from ten years ago?
And her way of being known was by the company she kept?
Let's just be stripped down honest (since I'm learning to be better at that and practice makes perfect).
The guy she mentioned? I'm not a fan of and I'm not sure if there actually were any fans of him except those that wanted star status.
Brief recap: (and he remains nameless to protect his guilt)
He was the guy that nicknamed himself. He nicknamed himself a legendary superhero (I'm not talking the Green Lantern here). He even put the emblem of said hero on the back of his letter jacket.
Uh-huh. That guy.
So yes, I knew him.
He owned the hall as he walked, with his minions trailing behind him. And if you were on first-name basis with him, by golly, you had made it in this little world we call high school. Hence, I'm sure that's why she threw his name in the "how should I know you question."
Safe to say, he had no clue who I was.
Safe to say, I couldn't even tell you his last name, because, remember - he had the superhero emblem on the back of his jacket - not his last name. Because... that is way too common.
And this, this was her claim to fame.
"Dear Lord," I asked later on, mulling over this short-lived conversation, "please let me be fully aware of what my claim to fame is."
And if it's anything less than a sinner saved by grace, covered by the blood of Jesus Christ, I have epically failed.
I had this lady somehow call me on the phone to discuss an item that was being sold.
Mistakenly, I thought she was from our church since she had my e-mail and phone number...
A little creepy in hind-sight but lesson learned.
Anyhow, she shows up to the garage sale and through talking, I finally realize my blunder.
In talking, we discover that we've grown up in the same area and graduated from the same high school. She was a year ahead of me, in the class of my husband.
I proceed to ask the same sort of questions you normally ask a complete stranger in trying to pin point exactly how you know them.
Finally, she comes up with why I should know her. And I should know her by the best friends she had in high school...
Did I mention the time period we're talking about is from ten years ago?
And her way of being known was by the company she kept?
Let's just be stripped down honest (since I'm learning to be better at that and practice makes perfect).
The guy she mentioned? I'm not a fan of and I'm not sure if there actually were any fans of him except those that wanted star status.
Brief recap: (and he remains nameless to protect his guilt)
He was the guy that nicknamed himself. He nicknamed himself a legendary superhero (I'm not talking the Green Lantern here). He even put the emblem of said hero on the back of his letter jacket.
Uh-huh. That guy.
So yes, I knew him.
He owned the hall as he walked, with his minions trailing behind him. And if you were on first-name basis with him, by golly, you had made it in this little world we call high school. Hence, I'm sure that's why she threw his name in the "how should I know you question."
Safe to say, he had no clue who I was.
Safe to say, I couldn't even tell you his last name, because, remember - he had the superhero emblem on the back of his jacket - not his last name. Because... that is way too common.
And this, this was her claim to fame.
"Dear Lord," I asked later on, mulling over this short-lived conversation, "please let me be fully aware of what my claim to fame is."
And if it's anything less than a sinner saved by grace, covered by the blood of Jesus Christ, I have epically failed.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Searching for the Unsearchable
The more I'm around non-believers, the more the Lord reveals just how merciful and patient He is. And how, over and over, in spite of our rejection, He gives an abundance of good gifts.
I know this couple who want nothing to do with the God of the Bible. Certainly would not ever have Jesus Christ on their lips except to mutter a profanity. They are on their own path and what a dismal path it is.
Generous, lovely, faithful, kind, fun... They are the epitome of the Golden Family with everything they touch turning to gold.
Yet watching them from afar, an outsider looking in, you sense the lostness and despair. The worldliness that has them sinking further and further.
Every new craze, new fad, new idea, new technology has them chasing after the wind. As soon as they obtain what it is they've lusted after, they're so busy desiring the next thing, they can't possibly spend any time being thankful or enjoying the here and now.
Three years of vying for more money, getting a new car, fancifying the vacations, building up their own business, receiving promotion after promotion...
On and on it goes. And everything they work towards, they achieve.
And they're happy... For awhile.
And then the high wears off and the despair sets in and so begins the cycle anew.
Sure, they profess "faith" when they think it will get them something they really, really, really want.
But take all the comforts and ease of life away and they won't bless His name.
For them, the Bible is a religion and creation is just science.
God is made a mockery of and life on Mars? It really is true!
It's sadly laughable simply because not long ago, I was there.
Where my temporary had nothing to do with my eternal. I could never seem to find what it is I was searching for. The kids weren't well-behaved enough. The house wasn't big enough. The title at the office wasn't prestigious enough...
These earthly things are never going to satisfy me. Why? They fade and break, get lost or stolen.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.
Searching here, in the trappings and pleasures of this world, will never satisfy. God has a much, much bigger picture in mind and far more to offer than the newest iPhone or nice vacation.
He's revealed himself not only to the believer, but to the non-believer. From the bread rising in the oven to the sun rising on the other side of the world. From the fish in the depths of the ocean to the fish sitting in the tank on your counter. From the simple, a band-aid; to the most advanced, a prosthetic. To the clear-cut; a baby born healthy and whole, to the confused; the baby born with no heartbeat and no answer as to why. He is in everything and is everything. He is in charge.
His grace is unending, His mercies are new everyday. And for who I am now and who I was 3 years ago, I am grateful in ways words can't express.
Romans 1:19 For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them.
I know this couple who want nothing to do with the God of the Bible. Certainly would not ever have Jesus Christ on their lips except to mutter a profanity. They are on their own path and what a dismal path it is.
Generous, lovely, faithful, kind, fun... They are the epitome of the Golden Family with everything they touch turning to gold.
Yet watching them from afar, an outsider looking in, you sense the lostness and despair. The worldliness that has them sinking further and further.
Every new craze, new fad, new idea, new technology has them chasing after the wind. As soon as they obtain what it is they've lusted after, they're so busy desiring the next thing, they can't possibly spend any time being thankful or enjoying the here and now.
Three years of vying for more money, getting a new car, fancifying the vacations, building up their own business, receiving promotion after promotion...
On and on it goes. And everything they work towards, they achieve.
And they're happy... For awhile.
And then the high wears off and the despair sets in and so begins the cycle anew.
Sure, they profess "faith" when they think it will get them something they really, really, really want.
But take all the comforts and ease of life away and they won't bless His name.
For them, the Bible is a religion and creation is just science.
God is made a mockery of and life on Mars? It really is true!
It's sadly laughable simply because not long ago, I was there.
Where my temporary had nothing to do with my eternal. I could never seem to find what it is I was searching for. The kids weren't well-behaved enough. The house wasn't big enough. The title at the office wasn't prestigious enough...
These earthly things are never going to satisfy me. Why? They fade and break, get lost or stolen.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.
Searching here, in the trappings and pleasures of this world, will never satisfy. God has a much, much bigger picture in mind and far more to offer than the newest iPhone or nice vacation.
He's revealed himself not only to the believer, but to the non-believer. From the bread rising in the oven to the sun rising on the other side of the world. From the fish in the depths of the ocean to the fish sitting in the tank on your counter. From the simple, a band-aid; to the most advanced, a prosthetic. To the clear-cut; a baby born healthy and whole, to the confused; the baby born with no heartbeat and no answer as to why. He is in everything and is everything. He is in charge.
His grace is unending, His mercies are new everyday. And for who I am now and who I was 3 years ago, I am grateful in ways words can't express.
Romans 1:19 For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them.
Simple
He's silent, brooding, not exciteable.
The other night he got hurt. Tumbling around outside with the brothers as I finished up dinner, I heard him start to wail.
No sooner had I put down the dish towel when he comes limping in. Tears streaming, jaw set, bewildered look.
I sank to my knees and gathered him in my arms. Kissed his damp cheeks over and over, whispering I was sorry he was hurt.
He pulls away and heads back outside.
I call after him, "Are you ok?" "Do you want the ice-pack?"
He shakes his head no.
I sit there, a bit confused. Had he not just been screaming like a leg was broken two minutes before? Had he not had enough tears to fill an ocean?
A kiss and a hug were all that was needed to fix it.
All he wanted was mom. To know that I cared. To know that I would stop what I was doing and take on whatever had caused his pain.
I love those moments where "mom" is enough. I'm not a superhero, but darn if my kids don't sometimes make me feel like one.
Approval
This constant need for approval from others is wearisome. It means everything I do, say, or act on is performed for others.
Picture perfect family uploaded? Check.
Hilarious moment with the boys as my status? Check.
House clean for whoever is coming over? Check.
Attempt to be trendy but act like I don't care? Check.
While surrounded by a constant mass of people for a week, the Lord revealed just how desperate my heart is to be part of the "in-crowd." We all crave it because we were all built for it - community.
Where everybody knows your name.
But to know my name and actually know me are two differnt things.
I'm part of a massive church. In fact, the correct name for it is "mega-church".
Mega meaning 1) great and 2) a million times (thanks Mr. Webster).
In my case, 10,000 members at three campuses, about to be four.
Hardly a place to be known. Yet I fall into the trap of thinking that the larger amount of people who know me, the better off I am.
My example needs to be Christ. He walked with twelve and then always honed in on three during extremely difficult or intimate times: the Garden of Gethsemane and The Transfiguration among some.
Hundreds called out to Him.
Hundreds knew His name.
And He loved them and taught them, ate dinner with them and served them but He knew spreading Himself too thin would ultimately damage His ministry. Making Himself so known would ultimately make God the Father so unknown.
John the Baptist rightly said it "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).
This is something I call to mind over and over: I don't need everyone. I certainly don't need their approval. I can't be "it" for everyone.
And perhaps the most difficult of all: Not everyone will like me.
In this social media age where your enemy can be your "friend" and a person you don't even have a relationship with can comment on the photo of your child and no one can dislike what you say, only like, we've lost sight of true authentic relationships.
It has become all about quantity, not quality.
I want to be known. Deeply, intimately, all beveled facets of my ever-changing nature. And if that means very few people knowing who I am, I'll consider it a success.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friend.
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Picture perfect family uploaded? Check.
Hilarious moment with the boys as my status? Check.
House clean for whoever is coming over? Check.
Attempt to be trendy but act like I don't care? Check.
While surrounded by a constant mass of people for a week, the Lord revealed just how desperate my heart is to be part of the "in-crowd." We all crave it because we were all built for it - community.
Where everybody knows your name.
But to know my name and actually know me are two differnt things.
I'm part of a massive church. In fact, the correct name for it is "mega-church".
Mega meaning 1) great and 2) a million times (thanks Mr. Webster).
In my case, 10,000 members at three campuses, about to be four.
Hardly a place to be known. Yet I fall into the trap of thinking that the larger amount of people who know me, the better off I am.
My example needs to be Christ. He walked with twelve and then always honed in on three during extremely difficult or intimate times: the Garden of Gethsemane and The Transfiguration among some.
Hundreds called out to Him.
Hundreds knew His name.
And He loved them and taught them, ate dinner with them and served them but He knew spreading Himself too thin would ultimately damage His ministry. Making Himself so known would ultimately make God the Father so unknown.
John the Baptist rightly said it "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).
This is something I call to mind over and over: I don't need everyone. I certainly don't need their approval. I can't be "it" for everyone.
And perhaps the most difficult of all: Not everyone will like me.
In this social media age where your enemy can be your "friend" and a person you don't even have a relationship with can comment on the photo of your child and no one can dislike what you say, only like, we've lost sight of true authentic relationships.
It has become all about quantity, not quality.
I want to be known. Deeply, intimately, all beveled facets of my ever-changing nature. And if that means very few people knowing who I am, I'll consider it a success.
John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friend.
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Loss and Gain of Friendship
The topics of friendship and community hits home with me. Those that have enduring, deep-rooted relationships are foreign to me.
Friends, therefore friendships, have always been a source of frustration for me. I hold people at arm's length because of my insecurities and uncertainties.
Seven years ago, the Lord granted Jake and I with true, abiding friends. During our first few months of marriage as we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant and floundering, God mercifully gave us a couple to walk with.
Our relationship became everything I had ever desired for one to be. We were pregnant together, we worshipped together, we had dinners together, playdates at the park together, conversations about any and everything... We found ourself rejoicing together and mourning together. We prayed, helped each other out financially when burdens hit, we struggled together.
And then sin entered... in an explosive way.
What had been good and right and lovely became painful and broken.
In the midst of my hurt and despair, she had her's. In the midst of my marriage melting down, her's was in flames.
I held on for ridiculously far too long. Bitterness, anger, self-righteousness and contention took hold.
So for a season, I lost everything. In the midst of some very difficult days, I had absolutely no one.
The Lord was teaching me that He is enough.
Desperate times had me longing for someone, any one - a wrong number dialed, a salesperson at my door - to reach out. During those times the Lord would draw me close and ask what exactly I thought someone else could give me.
In the opening of my hands to what I thought was so important, He filled my cup to overflowing. He gave me a myriad of women, from all walks of life, that love me.
Women that ask how my heart is.
Women that know my struggles.
Women that pray with me and for me.
Women that send me messages of encouragement.
Women that give me wise council.
Women that point me to Jesus.
Women that sit at my kitchen table, drinking coffee, watching our kids play, comfortable in the silence.
Women that meet me for dinner.
Women that have walked with me through my heights of unbelief, rebellion, and pride.
Women that have walked with me through the depths of sickness, broken dreams, and confessed sin.
Women who bring me dinner because they know it's been a difficult week.
Women that will watch my boys to give me a break.
Women that don't say anything, just sit and listen.
Women that give a timely word in love.
I've realized that there will be pain - caused by me or someone else. There are seasons and some relationships will be for longer periods than others.
But while in whatever relationship the Lord grants me with whoever He gives, I want their hope to be in the One that will never fail them, that will always be there.
John 15:15 I have called you friends for all that I heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you.
Friends, therefore friendships, have always been a source of frustration for me. I hold people at arm's length because of my insecurities and uncertainties.
Seven years ago, the Lord granted Jake and I with true, abiding friends. During our first few months of marriage as we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant and floundering, God mercifully gave us a couple to walk with.
Our relationship became everything I had ever desired for one to be. We were pregnant together, we worshipped together, we had dinners together, playdates at the park together, conversations about any and everything... We found ourself rejoicing together and mourning together. We prayed, helped each other out financially when burdens hit, we struggled together.
And then sin entered... in an explosive way.
What had been good and right and lovely became painful and broken.
In the midst of my hurt and despair, she had her's. In the midst of my marriage melting down, her's was in flames.
I held on for ridiculously far too long. Bitterness, anger, self-righteousness and contention took hold.
So for a season, I lost everything. In the midst of some very difficult days, I had absolutely no one.
The Lord was teaching me that He is enough.
Desperate times had me longing for someone, any one - a wrong number dialed, a salesperson at my door - to reach out. During those times the Lord would draw me close and ask what exactly I thought someone else could give me.
In the opening of my hands to what I thought was so important, He filled my cup to overflowing. He gave me a myriad of women, from all walks of life, that love me.
Women that ask how my heart is.
Women that know my struggles.
Women that pray with me and for me.
Women that send me messages of encouragement.
Women that give me wise council.
Women that point me to Jesus.
Women that sit at my kitchen table, drinking coffee, watching our kids play, comfortable in the silence.
Women that meet me for dinner.
Women that have walked with me through my heights of unbelief, rebellion, and pride.
Women that have walked with me through the depths of sickness, broken dreams, and confessed sin.
Women who bring me dinner because they know it's been a difficult week.
Women that will watch my boys to give me a break.
Women that don't say anything, just sit and listen.
Women that give a timely word in love.
I've realized that there will be pain - caused by me or someone else. There are seasons and some relationships will be for longer periods than others.
But while in whatever relationship the Lord grants me with whoever He gives, I want their hope to be in the One that will never fail them, that will always be there.
John 15:15 I have called you friends for all that I heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Worthless Battle
The reality is our reality is not a reality.
We have government assistance programs so we can get our hair done and beer bought.
We have television shows detailing unwedded, teenage moms and their love triangles.
We have a war over a food chain because they believe in traditional and biblical marriage.
Seriously? This is what we're going to spend our God-given time on?
Not the mom's in Africa that sit boiling water day after day while they agonize over how to feed their starving and crying children.
Not the many babies being abandoned and left for dead in Asia because they are the wrong sex.
Not the many trafficked girls in India who sit in a darkened room waiting for the stuff of nightmares to become their hellish reality.
Instead, we sit in our air conditioned, freshly painted houses, behind the smokescreen of social media and blare our horn long and loud. Few dare to actually venture out onto the battlefield.
Where are you? Too busy reading about the myriad of problems in our culture and society? Or have you suited up and are out tending to the sick, bringing food to the poor, visiting with the lonely, mentoring the underprivileged, and bringing good news to the lost?
Melaina Raburn, Heather and Rich Caudle, Jake Ewing, Barb and Rob Pierce, Jen and Sean Moore, Brandon and Beth Graham, Brittany Bradberry, Hannah McGlothlin, Cody Tilger, Lisa Polly...
Just a small snapshot of those who have answered the call and stepped into the arena in Taiwan, India, Guatemala, Kenya, Haiti, Ethiopia, and Australia.
Be men of valor and women of courage. It starts in your very neighborhood, out from behind the glare of your computer.
Stop fighting the inane battle on Chick-fil-A vs. Jack-in-the-Box, Honda vs. Ford, bottle vs. breast, homeschool vs. public school, Home Depot vs. Lowe's, paper vs. plastic.
Start warring on what really matter - the life and souls of desperate, hurting humans.
We have government assistance programs so we can get our hair done and beer bought.
We have television shows detailing unwedded, teenage moms and their love triangles.
We have a war over a food chain because they believe in traditional and biblical marriage.
Seriously? This is what we're going to spend our God-given time on?
Not the mom's in Africa that sit boiling water day after day while they agonize over how to feed their starving and crying children.
Not the many babies being abandoned and left for dead in Asia because they are the wrong sex.
Not the many trafficked girls in India who sit in a darkened room waiting for the stuff of nightmares to become their hellish reality.
Instead, we sit in our air conditioned, freshly painted houses, behind the smokescreen of social media and blare our horn long and loud. Few dare to actually venture out onto the battlefield.
Where are you? Too busy reading about the myriad of problems in our culture and society? Or have you suited up and are out tending to the sick, bringing food to the poor, visiting with the lonely, mentoring the underprivileged, and bringing good news to the lost?
Melaina Raburn, Heather and Rich Caudle, Jake Ewing, Barb and Rob Pierce, Jen and Sean Moore, Brandon and Beth Graham, Brittany Bradberry, Hannah McGlothlin, Cody Tilger, Lisa Polly...
Just a small snapshot of those who have answered the call and stepped into the arena in Taiwan, India, Guatemala, Kenya, Haiti, Ethiopia, and Australia.
Be men of valor and women of courage. It starts in your very neighborhood, out from behind the glare of your computer.
Stop fighting the inane battle on Chick-fil-A vs. Jack-in-the-Box, Honda vs. Ford, bottle vs. breast, homeschool vs. public school, Home Depot vs. Lowe's, paper vs. plastic.
Start warring on what really matter - the life and souls of desperate, hurting humans.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
True Healing in the Washing of Forgiveness
I have this seed of unforgiveness that so quickly becomes a deep, embedded root of hurt and bitterness.
Every time I feel I can move on, that I've healed, that all is well, I'm reminded of the pain still lurking.
Second Kings tell of Naaman, a highly respected general for Syria. At a time where leprosy was a sentence of death and shame, the Lord inflicts him with open sores.
So he heads to Samaria, seeking out healing. In faith, because of his young servant girl's words, with his flesh falling off, he calls on God to be healed. The same as I, over and over fall onto His mercies.
For Naaman, the healing wasn't what he expected or even thought he deserved. His words when he was sent to Elisha and Elisha wouldn't even come meet him were, "Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper."
Oh how those words resound with familiarity. This, this is what I long for; a swish of God's mighty, magical wand and all is fixed. My heart bound, my wounds healed. The scars no longer visible.
The Lord gently reminds me He is not my genie. And He is far more concerned about my eternity than my temporary. I might just be asked to walk through a raging river. A filthy river. A river where I can't see my feet and don't know what is lurking. He might ask me to do it over and over and over and over, seven times even.
Just as Naaman was commanded to submerge himself in the muddy waters of the Jordan (and in prideful response says the waters in Syria are much better than anything in Israel), not once, but seven times - trusting that this would lead to full restoration of his body, so God whispers to me:
Every time I feel I can move on, that I've healed, that all is well, I'm reminded of the pain still lurking.
Second Kings tell of Naaman, a highly respected general for Syria. At a time where leprosy was a sentence of death and shame, the Lord inflicts him with open sores.
So he heads to Samaria, seeking out healing. In faith, because of his young servant girl's words, with his flesh falling off, he calls on God to be healed. The same as I, over and over fall onto His mercies.
For Naaman, the healing wasn't what he expected or even thought he deserved. His words when he was sent to Elisha and Elisha wouldn't even come meet him were, "Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper."
Oh how those words resound with familiarity. This, this is what I long for; a swish of God's mighty, magical wand and all is fixed. My heart bound, my wounds healed. The scars no longer visible.
The Lord gently reminds me He is not my genie. And He is far more concerned about my eternity than my temporary. I might just be asked to walk through a raging river. A filthy river. A river where I can't see my feet and don't know what is lurking. He might ask me to do it over and over and over and over, seven times even.
Just as Naaman was commanded to submerge himself in the muddy waters of the Jordan (and in prideful response says the waters in Syria are much better than anything in Israel), not once, but seven times - trusting that this would lead to full restoration of his body, so God whispers to me:
"You don't understand this trial, but I do.
You can't comprehend the why's, but I do.
And that is enough."
Much deeper the roots go than just what the fruit shows and I have to trust Him enough to have the digging out, the pruning, the submerging in the unknown so that I might be fully restored.
What is easiest, having the magic wand waved, is not what is best and I will wash over and over in the incomprehensible trial of "now" so I might be fully ready for the "not yet."
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be in fear of dread of them for the Lord your God is always with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Where I Stand
I don't think politics ever truly go away. There are too many elections, and it grows a bit burdensome.
You always find out quickly where this hopeful candidate stands on this or that issue - but it never seems a fierce, firm stance.
Far removed from the influences of church and the supposed "brainwashing" that people say happens if you teach your child what you believe, I became firm on where I stand after many months of seeking and studying on my own.
Many people go through it, but most people won't voice it. The one thing that finally makes you walk away from a God you don't truly know, a religion you just don't understand, and a way of life that has felt more forced than free.
My day came after, oddly enough, attending a sweet four months old funeral. His daddy stood up and with Luke not more than three feet in front of him, resting in that tiny casket, started to proclaim that God was good, and He knew this was how long baby Luke would have, and they would trust in the faithfulness of God.
I sobbed more that day for my complete brokenness and confusion than I did for what the event represented - utter and complete despair and a hope not yet realized.
All things made new. God is good. I didn't get it. If that had been my child, I certainly wouldn't be lifting my hands in worship, praising God while my tender baby lays in a box about to go forever in the ground. I shudder to think what my response would have been before my belief in God.
So I left, beyond confused and absolutely done. Who believes this stuff?
Of course, I gave God one last chance. Told Him if He was actually real, He'd have to prove it. And if He was real, how was He good with the loss of babies? With the deaths of mommies? With granddaddies being on the losing end of cancer? When your husband says, "Never mind, I'll be happier with someone else?" When you try and you try and the thing you hoped for is a hope that becomes a crushed dream? When everything, in the span of three months, is taken away and you realize all that worth and joy you had is actually at the bottom of the gutter, molding?
Right away, the blinders came off. I saw how easily I had been sucked into religiosity and piling up my gold stars without ever actually knowing anything of Him. I was the older brother. All my life I had worked and He had never given me what I thought I so deserved (see, see??? My chart is full of my gold stars!!!). I had no affection or desire for this Creator who intimately knew me and had formed my inward parts. The One who knows my thoughts before they are even on my tongue.
So I battled. Long and hard. Weary and burdened. And over and over He showed His abundant love and mercy and grace. That yes, He loved me! I didn't have to earn it (the charts went in the trash). He knows. Deeply, personally.
At a time, when I wasn't searching, He picked me up, swept me away and revealed His goodness in the midst of broken hearts and crushed dreams.
My stance is His stance. And I'm firmly rooted in it. For me, there is a very noticeable line between wrong and right, black and white, good and bad.
Yet, none of that is too far outside the boundaries of His all consuming and ever redeeming grace. So who am I to judge? All though, time after time I do. And steadfastly, continually, He loves me still.
You always find out quickly where this hopeful candidate stands on this or that issue - but it never seems a fierce, firm stance.
Far removed from the influences of church and the supposed "brainwashing" that people say happens if you teach your child what you believe, I became firm on where I stand after many months of seeking and studying on my own.
Many people go through it, but most people won't voice it. The one thing that finally makes you walk away from a God you don't truly know, a religion you just don't understand, and a way of life that has felt more forced than free.
My day came after, oddly enough, attending a sweet four months old funeral. His daddy stood up and with Luke not more than three feet in front of him, resting in that tiny casket, started to proclaim that God was good, and He knew this was how long baby Luke would have, and they would trust in the faithfulness of God.
I sobbed more that day for my complete brokenness and confusion than I did for what the event represented - utter and complete despair and a hope not yet realized.
All things made new. God is good. I didn't get it. If that had been my child, I certainly wouldn't be lifting my hands in worship, praising God while my tender baby lays in a box about to go forever in the ground. I shudder to think what my response would have been before my belief in God.
So I left, beyond confused and absolutely done. Who believes this stuff?
Of course, I gave God one last chance. Told Him if He was actually real, He'd have to prove it. And if He was real, how was He good with the loss of babies? With the deaths of mommies? With granddaddies being on the losing end of cancer? When your husband says, "Never mind, I'll be happier with someone else?" When you try and you try and the thing you hoped for is a hope that becomes a crushed dream? When everything, in the span of three months, is taken away and you realize all that worth and joy you had is actually at the bottom of the gutter, molding?
Right away, the blinders came off. I saw how easily I had been sucked into religiosity and piling up my gold stars without ever actually knowing anything of Him. I was the older brother. All my life I had worked and He had never given me what I thought I so deserved (see, see??? My chart is full of my gold stars!!!). I had no affection or desire for this Creator who intimately knew me and had formed my inward parts. The One who knows my thoughts before they are even on my tongue.
So I battled. Long and hard. Weary and burdened. And over and over He showed His abundant love and mercy and grace. That yes, He loved me! I didn't have to earn it (the charts went in the trash). He knows. Deeply, personally.
At a time, when I wasn't searching, He picked me up, swept me away and revealed His goodness in the midst of broken hearts and crushed dreams.
My stance is His stance. And I'm firmly rooted in it. For me, there is a very noticeable line between wrong and right, black and white, good and bad.
Yet, none of that is too far outside the boundaries of His all consuming and ever redeeming grace. So who am I to judge? All though, time after time I do. And steadfastly, continually, He loves me still.
In Him we have the redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight...
Ephesians 1:7-8
Out of My Hands
If we're going to claim the Old Testament in the Bible is outdated, archaic, and not pertaining to us, we're essentially saying God is not who He says He is. We'll claim the law is null and void and it was only for "back then."
Yet you miss the core of, well... everything. The Levitical law was to show God's holiness and reveal His people as set apart; consecrated. It was never a this or that law and look how amazing I am to do all these strict commandments. As always, God is after our heart, never our outward appearance.
So if you're going to go law-based, work on the first one, the most important one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength. Then things might start to click and you might not look at the Bible as a list of do's or don't's.
The biblical mandates, both old and new, have always been for our good. Those boundaries? They actually give life to our weary bones and set us free. Our good brings Him glory. He is a God unlike any other, yet we constantly try to carve Him in our image. And we were created in HIS image.
Submissiveness wrestles a fierce battle with our pride. The reason we don't like the statutes and commandments given us is because it makes us answerable to someone. Which means someone has authority over us. Which means we are no longer in charge.
Of all the people who had a choice; someone who could actually flex his power and call the shots, was the Man who came not to be served but to serve. Jesus Christ could have said no. He could have said He didn't feel like it, or the burden was too much, or He was tired, or He didn't like him or her or some other asinine excuse we constantly give.
Yet, in His great love, He died for us. He predestined us for greatness knowing fully our flaws, our times of taking the lead and in turn leading others astray. He knew the myriad of times we would spit in His face and reject Him.
If we start making the demands of what we deem good or bad, necessary or not, doable or out of our so-called willpower, we've lowered God from Most High to "eh", just a dude.
In turn, if we outdate the Old Testament, then what becomes of New Testament laws? I don't have to remain faithful to my husband. I don't have to love my children. I don't have to serve the poor; I don't have to provide for the widow and orphan; I don't have to make disciples of all nations or love my neighbor as myself.
It gets muddled real fast, lost in the brokenness of sinful human beings who claim to know their right hand from their left.
Christ never came to abolish the law, He came to fulfill them and show His great might and power over sin and the grave. This is why He came. To do what we cannot do yet through the same Spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead, we have the power to be more than conquerors! (Romans 8:37).
It is not for man to know the complexities of who God chooses to do what He does and allows to happen what happens. For a human being, a created work of the Creator, to profess they know why, is simply put; ignorance and ignorance is not bliss. We can rest assured that the same answer He gave Moses all those years ago on Mount Sinai is the same He gives us today: I AM WHO I AM (Exodus 3:14).
Isaiah 44:6-8
Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel
and his Redeemer, the LORD of hosts:
"I am the first and I am the last;
besides me there is no god.
Who is like me? Let him proclaim it.
Let him declare and set it before me,
since I appointed an ancient people.
Let them declare what is to come, and what will happen.
Fear not, not be afraid;
have I not told you from of old and declared it?
And you are my witnesses!
Is there a God besides me?
There is no Rock; I know not any."
Monday, July 23, 2012
No God
We have, in the Bible, the believer and non-believer.
In America, we have the Christian, agnostic and atheist.
The term Chrisitan has started giving me a very bad taste in my mouth.
"Our school is very Christian."
"She's a good Christian girl."
"I want to raise my kids in a Christian household."
All of sudden, God is small. We've downsized Him into something less than awe-inspiring, worthy of our adoration and complete submissiveness.
If we listen to the right type of music, throw up a desperate plea occasionally, have a Bible in our house, have our "faith", and don't wear a bikini, somehow we're "Christian." We've attached ourself to things far beyond our understanding and knowledge.
I cringed when I read why it's called the God Particle. Because the guy who studied it for so long wrote a book and wanted it to be called The God-expletive Particle and it was shortened (cnn.com).
We laugh.
But it's not humorous. For those that have a deep, pursuing relationship with the Lord, our sin makes us cringe, Christ's death humbles us, and we stand star-struck at the beauty of His creation.
For those that do not believe, He is something to be belittled, mocked and explained away by science.
For the agostic, He's waiting for proof of a God.
Ever held a newborn baby who just one hour earlier had not drawn one breath in 9 months?
Every felt the sun on your skin?
Ever see the waves crash to shore and be drawn out again?
Can you explain why and how we have gravity?
On and on I could go. It's why God questions Job the way He does when Job feels he deserves answers. In essence, God is unfathomable, His greatness unsearchable...
Jesus Himself tells us that narrow is the path and few are on it. If that doesn't strike fear in your heart, you might want to check it.
Daily, I'm asking... "Is that me? Will I stand before His throne and He will tell me to depart for He does not know me?"
Far more likely will be those that don't question and will bend their knee and see the glory of God for only a moment before a hellish eternity swallows them up.
But we laugh. We harden our heart. We turn to our other gods.
And in the end, no matter what, God is glorified. And He is good because of it.
In America, we have the Christian, agnostic and atheist.
The term Chrisitan has started giving me a very bad taste in my mouth.
"Our school is very Christian."
"She's a good Christian girl."
"I want to raise my kids in a Christian household."
All of sudden, God is small. We've downsized Him into something less than awe-inspiring, worthy of our adoration and complete submissiveness.
If we listen to the right type of music, throw up a desperate plea occasionally, have a Bible in our house, have our "faith", and don't wear a bikini, somehow we're "Christian." We've attached ourself to things far beyond our understanding and knowledge.
I cringed when I read why it's called the God Particle. Because the guy who studied it for so long wrote a book and wanted it to be called The God-expletive Particle and it was shortened (cnn.com).
We laugh.
But it's not humorous. For those that have a deep, pursuing relationship with the Lord, our sin makes us cringe, Christ's death humbles us, and we stand star-struck at the beauty of His creation.
For those that do not believe, He is something to be belittled, mocked and explained away by science.
For the agostic, He's waiting for proof of a God.
Ever held a newborn baby who just one hour earlier had not drawn one breath in 9 months?
Every felt the sun on your skin?
Ever see the waves crash to shore and be drawn out again?
Can you explain why and how we have gravity?
On and on I could go. It's why God questions Job the way He does when Job feels he deserves answers. In essence, God is unfathomable, His greatness unsearchable...
Jesus Himself tells us that narrow is the path and few are on it. If that doesn't strike fear in your heart, you might want to check it.
Daily, I'm asking... "Is that me? Will I stand before His throne and He will tell me to depart for He does not know me?"
Far more likely will be those that don't question and will bend their knee and see the glory of God for only a moment before a hellish eternity swallows them up.
But we laugh. We harden our heart. We turn to our other gods.
And in the end, no matter what, God is glorified. And He is good because of it.
Battling the "Overprotection"
Raising my boys in this culture of over-exposure and over-indulgence has me, hourly, praying through what is healthy and wise.
Too often, from believer and non-believers, homeschoolers and other schoolers, friends and aquaintances, I get the questions, "Aren't you just sheltering your kids?"
Truth be told, this question wears on me. It's not asked with well-meaning intention. It's asked with sharpness, trying to pinpoint exactly what I believe and waiting for the condemnation that because they don't do what I do, I don't want to be around them... And nothing could be further from the truth.
It wears on me because it makes me ponder my motivations. It makes me search my heart for the "why's" of anything I do pertaining to my kids.
Reading some articles this week and talking with others lead me to feel uncertain. As always, the Lord is good and remains faithful even in my faithlessness. A prayer I wrote down a year ago assured me of why I do what I do.
Psalm 119:9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
This is why I do what I do. I'm training them to keep their heart pure.
Of course, this means there might be certain things we don't watch or read or listen to...but it always is with a full explanation of why.
And the why is this: We want to keep our mind stayed on Him, we want to do those things that stir our affections for Christ, we want to give them a firm foundation of truth to stand on so when the things of this world come rushing at them, they know what to do and where to look.
So yes, in tightly controlled conversations, we've discussed sex, including homosexuality, adultery, and transgender.
Yes, we talk about other religions and their beliefs.
And yes, they are definitely enlightened to the evils of this world, far deeper than a brother stealing a toy. So 9/11 has been discussed as well as the recent Aurora, CO shooting.
We've grieved over the loss of Brody, Luke and Gideon. They've seen me cry over my cancer-stricken daddy. They've seen me and Jake say we don't know why but in the midst of despair claim God is good and He does good (Psalm 119:68). They've seen us voice our unbelief (Mark 9) and they know they can do the same.
All four have had chances to the see (through video, picture, and missionaries) the sweet kids at Fundanino's in Guate and Naomi's Village in Kenya. They've taken in the horror stories of why some of those children even have to be in the orphanage.
We have made it no secret the price of the war America is in and they hold soldiers in high regard and thank them for their service when we come across one.
In everything, we point them to Jesus. We tell them of God's word and what it says about the brokenness of our world and the beautiful redemption we have now and not yet.
If this is sheltering, I'll continue to do it. I'll do it whether they are home with me or in a different school the majority of the day. Above all, my biggest "why" is being held accountable for the way I raised up these four very impressionable young minds.
If I'm not teaching them, I've left it up to the world.
And the question is: Am I doing what it takes to get by for right this moment or do I have long-term (eternity) goals we steadfastly march towards.
Psalm 119:10-11 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
And so continually, seeking His will, asking for direction and revelation when I've gone astray -- it pushes me to the Lord, and over and over I fall into His grace and mercy. He loves my boys far more than I ever will and is a mightier protector than I could ever hope to be.
Too often, from believer and non-believers, homeschoolers and other schoolers, friends and aquaintances, I get the questions, "Aren't you just sheltering your kids?"
Truth be told, this question wears on me. It's not asked with well-meaning intention. It's asked with sharpness, trying to pinpoint exactly what I believe and waiting for the condemnation that because they don't do what I do, I don't want to be around them... And nothing could be further from the truth.
It wears on me because it makes me ponder my motivations. It makes me search my heart for the "why's" of anything I do pertaining to my kids.
Reading some articles this week and talking with others lead me to feel uncertain. As always, the Lord is good and remains faithful even in my faithlessness. A prayer I wrote down a year ago assured me of why I do what I do.
Psalm 119:9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
This is why I do what I do. I'm training them to keep their heart pure.
Of course, this means there might be certain things we don't watch or read or listen to...but it always is with a full explanation of why.
And the why is this: We want to keep our mind stayed on Him, we want to do those things that stir our affections for Christ, we want to give them a firm foundation of truth to stand on so when the things of this world come rushing at them, they know what to do and where to look.
So yes, in tightly controlled conversations, we've discussed sex, including homosexuality, adultery, and transgender.
Yes, we talk about other religions and their beliefs.
And yes, they are definitely enlightened to the evils of this world, far deeper than a brother stealing a toy. So 9/11 has been discussed as well as the recent Aurora, CO shooting.
We've grieved over the loss of Brody, Luke and Gideon. They've seen me cry over my cancer-stricken daddy. They've seen me and Jake say we don't know why but in the midst of despair claim God is good and He does good (Psalm 119:68). They've seen us voice our unbelief (Mark 9) and they know they can do the same.
All four have had chances to the see (through video, picture, and missionaries) the sweet kids at Fundanino's in Guate and Naomi's Village in Kenya. They've taken in the horror stories of why some of those children even have to be in the orphanage.
We have made it no secret the price of the war America is in and they hold soldiers in high regard and thank them for their service when we come across one.
In everything, we point them to Jesus. We tell them of God's word and what it says about the brokenness of our world and the beautiful redemption we have now and not yet.
If this is sheltering, I'll continue to do it. I'll do it whether they are home with me or in a different school the majority of the day. Above all, my biggest "why" is being held accountable for the way I raised up these four very impressionable young minds.
If I'm not teaching them, I've left it up to the world.
And the question is: Am I doing what it takes to get by for right this moment or do I have long-term (eternity) goals we steadfastly march towards.
Psalm 119:10-11 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
And so continually, seeking His will, asking for direction and revelation when I've gone astray -- it pushes me to the Lord, and over and over I fall into His grace and mercy. He loves my boys far more than I ever will and is a mightier protector than I could ever hope to be.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
More of "Enough"
My kids humble me.
The Lord always uses them to drive home what the Spirit is leading me in.
A couple of weeks ago, I was having a wicked day in discontentment and dissatisfaction. The story the boys wanted to keep reading? Numbers 11, where the Israelites keep complaining that the manna isn't good enough and boy do they miss Egypt with all the sweet food they received.
Yet, they were forgetting what was in Egypt.
Whip-cracking, abuse, infanticide, slavery...
Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy rots the bones.
So easily, this verse is me. When my mind is stayed on the Lord, I am satisfied, no matter my circumstances. And in those times, He opens my eyes to the myriad of miracles He works on a daily basis. I see that His word is true - that He loves me and delights in me, a Father longing to give me good gifts.
But when my coveting creeps in, my envy takes over, I start believing that what I have is not good enough and become weighted down and consumed by others and their circumstances.
I fall into the trap of believing the "if this, then this" lie. If this would happen, THEN it would be ok.
If I can just have more of what I all ready have, THEN I will be satisfied.
When the Israelites grumbled and complained against God that ALL they had was manna, this bread that literally fell from the sky, and they were sick and tired of having their daily bread, God said, "Fine, you're discontent, you're unhappy - I will give you over to the lusts of your heart in the form of food."
It wasn't that they needed the food. It was that they couldn't look to God for their satisfaction and instead needed to fill that empty gnawing with something physically tangible.
What was achieved by the overabundance?
Sickness, a plague and death.
The one thing they thought they had to have -- more of their "just enough" -- ends up physically killing them.
I had to sit back and ask the Lord where I was doing this. Where have I become gluttonous and overindulged? Where has the Lord perfectly provided, but because of my wandering, it all of a sudden becomes not enough?
My husband's job.
Our house.
Our financial situation.
On and on and on I find myself killing relationships and blessings because of my greed.
Over and over, my good desires become my ultimate. I become willing to sacrfice the good God has all ready given because I've deemed it not good enough.
I realized that if I suddently had an overabundance of all that I'm lusting after, it certainly would not be the Lord's blessing on me. My heart is not in the place to receive it. I have to find my pleasure, my peace, my hope in the Lord before I can ever rightly enjoy those beautiful blessings He rains down.
Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
The Lord always uses them to drive home what the Spirit is leading me in.
A couple of weeks ago, I was having a wicked day in discontentment and dissatisfaction. The story the boys wanted to keep reading? Numbers 11, where the Israelites keep complaining that the manna isn't good enough and boy do they miss Egypt with all the sweet food they received.
Yet, they were forgetting what was in Egypt.
Whip-cracking, abuse, infanticide, slavery...
Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy rots the bones.
So easily, this verse is me. When my mind is stayed on the Lord, I am satisfied, no matter my circumstances. And in those times, He opens my eyes to the myriad of miracles He works on a daily basis. I see that His word is true - that He loves me and delights in me, a Father longing to give me good gifts.
But when my coveting creeps in, my envy takes over, I start believing that what I have is not good enough and become weighted down and consumed by others and their circumstances.
I fall into the trap of believing the "if this, then this" lie. If this would happen, THEN it would be ok.
If I can just have more of what I all ready have, THEN I will be satisfied.
When the Israelites grumbled and complained against God that ALL they had was manna, this bread that literally fell from the sky, and they were sick and tired of having their daily bread, God said, "Fine, you're discontent, you're unhappy - I will give you over to the lusts of your heart in the form of food."
It wasn't that they needed the food. It was that they couldn't look to God for their satisfaction and instead needed to fill that empty gnawing with something physically tangible.
What was achieved by the overabundance?
Sickness, a plague and death.
The one thing they thought they had to have -- more of their "just enough" -- ends up physically killing them.
I had to sit back and ask the Lord where I was doing this. Where have I become gluttonous and overindulged? Where has the Lord perfectly provided, but because of my wandering, it all of a sudden becomes not enough?
My husband's job.
Our house.
Our financial situation.
On and on and on I find myself killing relationships and blessings because of my greed.
Over and over, my good desires become my ultimate. I become willing to sacrfice the good God has all ready given because I've deemed it not good enough.
I realized that if I suddently had an overabundance of all that I'm lusting after, it certainly would not be the Lord's blessing on me. My heart is not in the place to receive it. I have to find my pleasure, my peace, my hope in the Lord before I can ever rightly enjoy those beautiful blessings He rains down.
Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thoughts
Thoughts from today's court hearing.
I can't go based on what I feel. What I feel is doubt. What I feel is confusion.
Everytime, He brings me back to His word. My heart is deceitful. The enemy wants me to doubt His goodness because in my doubting, I'm not trusting. When I'm not trusting in Truth, I'm believing the lies of this world.
So I confessed that. Told God I didn't know where to go with this. With everything that has been swirling around the last couple of weeks. Things that were brought to light in court.
In my disbelief, I always believe He will answer. And He did.
A sweet time of prayer with the boys following the long day in court was simple. The Lord's Prayer. If it's good enough for Jesus to teach the disciples, it's certainly good enough for me to cry it out.
The first line is "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
Everything hidden is brought to light. So no matter if we get the protection we've been begging the Lord for or whether He chooses not to grant it, I have to fall on His Word. And His Word says that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. His greatness is unsearchable. His understanding, who can fathom?
God is who He says He is. I AM. So I can be confused, I can be perplexed, I can doubt. Music to my ears when for so long, I couldn't voice my unbelief.
Knowing He cares for the least of these, and a sweet, innocent child is certainly the least of these yet so mightily His.
Satan throws the fiery darts. Again and again. But the Lord is my strength and He upholds me with His righteous right hand.
So whether what we believe is what comes to light or we're thrown a curveball, we rest in the sovereignty of an all-knowing, all seeing God. Indeed, it's in my doubting that He reveals Himself time and time again for no other reason but to give courage to my weak and flailing heart.
I can't go based on what I feel. What I feel is doubt. What I feel is confusion.
Everytime, He brings me back to His word. My heart is deceitful. The enemy wants me to doubt His goodness because in my doubting, I'm not trusting. When I'm not trusting in Truth, I'm believing the lies of this world.
So I confessed that. Told God I didn't know where to go with this. With everything that has been swirling around the last couple of weeks. Things that were brought to light in court.
In my disbelief, I always believe He will answer. And He did.
A sweet time of prayer with the boys following the long day in court was simple. The Lord's Prayer. If it's good enough for Jesus to teach the disciples, it's certainly good enough for me to cry it out.
The first line is "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
Everything hidden is brought to light. So no matter if we get the protection we've been begging the Lord for or whether He chooses not to grant it, I have to fall on His Word. And His Word says that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. His greatness is unsearchable. His understanding, who can fathom?
God is who He says He is. I AM. So I can be confused, I can be perplexed, I can doubt. Music to my ears when for so long, I couldn't voice my unbelief.
Knowing He cares for the least of these, and a sweet, innocent child is certainly the least of these yet so mightily His.
Satan throws the fiery darts. Again and again. But the Lord is my strength and He upholds me with His righteous right hand.
So whether what we believe is what comes to light or we're thrown a curveball, we rest in the sovereignty of an all-knowing, all seeing God. Indeed, it's in my doubting that He reveals Himself time and time again for no other reason but to give courage to my weak and flailing heart.
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