More of "Enough"

My kids humble me. 

The Lord always uses them to drive home what the Spirit is leading me in.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a wicked day in discontentment and dissatisfaction.  The story the boys wanted to keep reading?  Numbers 11, where the Israelites keep complaining that the manna isn't good enough and boy do they miss Egypt with all the sweet food they received.

Yet, they were forgetting what was in Egypt.
Whip-cracking, abuse, infanticide, slavery...

Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy rots the bones.

So easily, this verse is me.  When my mind is stayed on the Lord, I am satisfied, no matter my circumstances.  And in those times, He opens my eyes to the myriad of miracles He works on a daily basis.  I see that His word is true - that He loves me and delights in me, a Father longing to give me good gifts.

But when my coveting creeps in, my envy takes over, I start believing that what I have is not good enough and become weighted down and consumed by others and their circumstances.

I fall into the trap of believing the "if this, then this" lie.  If this would happen, THEN it would be ok.
If I can just have more of what I all ready have, THEN I will be satisfied.

When the Israelites grumbled and complained against God that ALL they had was manna, this bread that literally fell from the sky, and they were  sick and tired of having their daily bread, God said, "Fine, you're discontent, you're unhappy - I will give you over to the lusts of your heart in the form of food."

It wasn't that they needed the food.  It was that they couldn't look to God for their satisfaction and instead needed to fill that empty gnawing with something physically tangible.

What was achieved by the overabundance? 
Sickness, a plague and death.

The one thing they thought they had to have -- more of their "just enough" -- ends up physically killing them.

I had to sit back and ask the Lord where I was doing this.  Where have I become gluttonous and overindulged?  Where has the Lord perfectly provided, but because of my wandering, it all of a sudden becomes not enough?

My husband's job.
Our house.
Our financial situation.
On and on and on I find myself killing relationships and blessings because of my greed.

Over and over, my good desires become my ultimate.  I become willing to sacrfice the good God has all ready given because I've deemed it not good enough.

I realized that if I suddently had an overabundance of all that I'm lusting after, it certainly would not be the Lord's blessing on me.  My heart is not in the place to receive it.  I have to find my pleasure, my peace, my hope in the Lord before I can ever rightly enjoy those beautiful blessings He rains down.

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life;
                      in your presence there is fullness of joy;
                      at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Thoughts

Thoughts from today's court hearing.

I can't go based on what I feel.  What I feel is doubt.  What I feel is confusion.

Everytime, He brings me back to His word.  My heart is deceitful.  The enemy wants me to doubt His goodness because in my doubting, I'm not trusting.  When I'm not trusting in Truth, I'm believing the lies of this world. 
So I confessed that.  Told God I didn't know where to go with this.  With everything that has been swirling around the last couple of weeks.  Things that were brought to light in court.

In my disbelief, I always believe He will answer.  And He did.

A sweet time of prayer with the boys following the long day in court was simple.  The Lord's Prayer.  If it's good enough for Jesus to teach the disciples, it's certainly good enough for me to cry it out. 

The first line is "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Everything hidden is brought to light.  So no matter if we get the protection we've been begging the Lord for or whether He chooses not to grant it, I have to fall on His Word.  And His Word says that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  His greatness is unsearchable.  His understanding, who can fathom?

God is who He says He is.  I AM.  So I can be confused, I can be perplexed, I can doubt.  Music to my ears when for so long, I couldn't voice my unbelief.

Knowing He cares for the least of these, and a sweet, innocent child is certainly the least of these yet so mightily His.

Satan throws the fiery darts.  Again and again.  But the Lord is my strength and He upholds me with His righteous right hand.

So whether what we believe is what comes to light or we're thrown a curveball, we rest in the sovereignty of an all-knowing, all seeing God.  Indeed, it's in my doubting that He reveals Himself time and time again for no other reason but to give courage to my weak and flailing heart.

Accepting the Sharpening

I want, more than anything, to be a breath of fresh air, be encouraging, be loving and compassionate, be the iron that sharpens.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens friend (NLT).

The other night, as I prayed this in preparation for meeting with a group of women, the Lord revealed to me in how much I'm the giver in this and not so much the taker.

Being the taker means I'm needing sharpening.  If I'm needing sharpening, it means I've grown dull.  And what use is a dull object?  Instead, it's dangerous.

So, my pride stands wickedly tall.  I won't fully let people in to my vulnerabilities and failures because I don't want the "advice."  I want to be able to figure it out on my own...

Solitude, especially in the midst of struggle, is a dangerous place to be.

I have well-meaning, beautiful, God-fearing women that the Lord has given me for just this reason - to keep me sharp.  To keep my focus on Him.  To realize, left to my own devices, I sink easily and quickly.

More often then not, a breath of fresh air breathes life into my weary heart once the Spirit has led me to confess, to seek, to share.
If I'm constantly giving the words and not taking any in, I've grown self-righteous, haughty and puffed up. 

I continually think over my conversations throughout the day:
Who did more of the talking?
Could the words that were said be upheld next to the Bible.  i.e. Were they gossip, did it point to the hope in Christ, was it rooted in truth?

Does it follow the guidelines of James 1:17 of what the "wisdom from above" looks like?

Far too often, I need to come down yet another notch on my pridefulness and self wisdom and be the one that graciously and humbly accepts the sharpening so I might grow.

As much as I want to be the encourager, life-giver, woman of wisdom, more times than not, I need to be the receiver instead of the giver... and in this instant, I feel that's ok.

Conviction of a "Maybe"

James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

I'll confess. I'm horrible at actually doing this verse.  I am not a woman of my word.  I've quickly fallen into the trap of "maybe" and "we'll see."  I've become undependable and untrustworthy.

A few months ago, I was deeply convicted of my selfishness when it came back and hit me square in the face.

Short detour:  I had decided to throw my first ever surprise birthday party for someone near and dear to me.  By Evite, the invites were sent out a week before hand...

Little did I know Evite shows who has viewed the invitation and when, letting you keep track of how many times it's been viewed.  So you notice that people are viewing the invite but nobody is responding...

And then, the night of, people that were "yes's" all of a sudden became "no's" or "maybe's." 

Maybe I'll be there... if I feel like it.
Maybe I'll be there... if nothing better comes along.
Maybe I'll be there... if I want to love my neighbor as myself.

Too many times, even now, I find the Lord bringing this verse to mind. Especially once I've said yes and I'm looking for a way to turn it into no.

Am I letting my yes be yes or am I doubting, being double-minded, unfaithful?

Am I seeking my own advantage or am I willing to die to myself and love others as Christ loves me?

Too often, I use an excuse.
Too often, I say maybe.
Too often, I'll go with what's easiest for me and satisfies my over-indulged heart the most.

All of it sinful, none of it glorifying.

Discontentment at it's Finest

From the things my hands have been pried from, I sure do go back to clenching my fists around those idols.

This past week had me wallowing in jealousy, covetousness, dissatisfaction and discontentment.

After a few long months of opportunities, the Lord closed the door and has told us to wait.  He has been good in blessing and confirming that desicion but in my flesh, I want what I want and I WANT IT NOW.

As wicked as this sounds, I fall into the American Dream nightmare of "Keeping Up With the Joneses."

I so desperately want to throw the Lord's will to the side and chase after my lustful heart's desires.  New job, bigger house, better vacation -- more and more stuff for rust and moth to destroy and more filling of my coffers.

I see it and I feel it.  It creeps over me, burdening me, suffocationg every ounce of grace-breathed blessing I have in Him.

I have to keep my mind on Him.  I have to remind myself this does not last forever, that the race I am running is not for the faint of heart but is for my crown of glory.  The now and not yet.

Yet in this now moment, I'm craving the destructiveness of building into my kingdom because if I can have it, everything else will fall into place...

Right?

My circumstances do not dictate my heart, my heart dictates my circumstances.  So I ask the Lord to give my very weak heart the courage to have patience.

Because, in the end, when has waiting on the Lord ever been foolish?  Instead, I could go on for days the very many times I took center stage and walked in my faulty control.

And yet, because I love Him and have been called according to His purposes He works everything for the good of me.  Even my faults, even my abundant failures.  All because of His steadfast love and mercy.  And in the end, I want whatever gets me more of Him.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you..."

Discipline...

The subject always comes up.  How?  When?  What?

When your kid is being a terror.  When he just won't do what you want him to.  When it's the battle of the wills and you seem to be on the losing end.

More often times than not, I find myself wanting out.  I don't want to have to take time out to explain, to teach, to undo what has been done.  When I walk in my flesh, I get angry and I discipline for everybody else except for the one it's truly for.

As the Lord grows me, I've asked that in everything I do, I point my kids to Jesus.  And by His great help, I'm learning.

Just as much as their unregenerate hearts need it, so my weary and thirsty heart desperately, constantly needs the gospel.

So yesterday, in Colten being overcome and telling me he just couldn't do it, that he knows he sins, he sins every day of his life, I got a beautiful opportunity to share the good news.  That yes! We are sinners.  Yes! We sin every day.  But in Christ, there is no condemnation!  When we have received salvation and believed in Jesus's name, God doesn't look on us with disgust and impatience.  He's not sitting high above us with his arms crossed asking, "When are you ever going to get this?"

Instead, He is next to us, saying, "I know and I love you anyways.  You are my beloved son."

So when I read the parenting how-to books and feel the weight of not measuring up start to burden me down, I have to realize that my way is not the only way and the person who wrote the fabulous book has great ideas but I don't have to conform to what they do.  The only thing I need to be concerned with is teaching my boys to love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind and strength and I do this as we walk, lay, rise, and sit.

Sometimes, I totally botch it.  I get impatient, lazy and angry.  But even in that, I get to remind them (and myself!) that I am nothing like God.  He is infintely more merciful, patient, gracious and loving and that he forgives, over and over.  That we will all fall short and most days finding me falling over and over again. 

Yet, because of His mercy, by confession and repentence, they see His grace covers even ugly un-graceful moments.  And I am reminded that it's not what I do or don't do, it's by what Jesus has all ready done.

Galatians 2:21 And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God for if righteousness were through the Law, then Christ died for no purpose.

Downsizing

In our "more is more...and still not enough" culture, I'm finding it increasingly satisfying to go against the grain.

When we first bought our house, five and a half years ago, we had a 1 year old with another baby on the way.

We "settled", out of desperation for a 1500 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in desperate need of...everything.  My thought?  Two years, three years tops and we'll be on to bigger, better, newer things.

I sometimes get the feeling that the more I plan out of entitlement, self-righteousness and indignation, the Lord laughs.

Four babies later, we're still in the same house and have made it into what it is...a cozy, cramped box that we call home and have no plans to change any time soon.

We have three boys in one room with the fourth to be in there soon.  All four share one dresser and one closet.  Our "formal dining" (as if there could be such a thing in a house full of boys!) is the game room/school room.
I constantly go though and dejunk, give away, and condense.  Because, really, what I am clinging so closely to?  Like they care to see the outfit they went home from the hospital in (I might lean a bit on the non-sentimental side...).

The things I don't need right now might be the things somebody is desperately needing.  I've found the freedom in letting go of my "what if I need this in a few months" thoughts (by way of lovely, God-fearing women who love me with all my faults) and realized the Lord plans and provides perfectly.

In the last few weeks, we've watch one family move to Taiwan (three kids), another family start their journey to India (four kids) and another run head long to Haiti (this included moving to a 700 square foot house with their three kids).
Each on a different path with one goal: untangling themselves from the cares of this world to glorify the name of a Blessed Redeemer.

Godly, lovely families that I watch and glean from their examples.  Women I want to emulate in teaching my boys that God is far-flung to all the corners of the earth and our little slice of pie is not all there is.

I want to be a giver, not a taker.  I want to leave this life with nothing but a legacy of loving God with all my heart, mind and strength.

So I start small, one closet at a time, one box of toys at a time opening my hands to let go so I might receive what truly matters.

1 Timothy 6:17-19  As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be genreous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they make take hold of that which is truly life.